What God Wants In a Father

Introduction

My dad had high expectations. He taught us to work first and to have fun afterward. He taught us that there is no substitute for effort. Laziness was not rewarded. Rewards came after you worked. He taught us how to handle money wisely and that giving to God was first. He taught us the importance of taking responsibility for decisions made. He also taught us what impatience looked like. Dad rode the bus every workday. Two cars were a luxury. When I started dating, I could use the family car if I washed it first and then put gas back in it after the date. We had a clean car.

The importance of fathers in the family has been researched with vigor in the past 50 years. In the 1970s, the research began looking at how fathers affected children and the discoveries were unexpected. 20 years later the research focused on what happens when dad’s leave the home or when dads are in the home but not available. That research has confirmed the previous research and revealed that dads play a significant role in the family.

Some of you grew up without a father and this lesson may be difficult to hear. Some of you grew up with a father but the word ‘father’ brings bad memories and negative emotions. As difficult as it may be to hear, we know that as God’s family we want dads who are present and involved in raising their children. We know that dads who are present and involved provide the foundation for children who will love God and be vital participants in God’s kingdom. We want fathers who are invested in their children. So does God.

Instructions

Ephesians 5:18 says that being filled with the Spirit results in four things—speaking, singing, giving thanks, and submitting. This idea of submission is then applied to wives, husbands, children, fathers, slaves, and masters. We will come back to children in a future lesson. Today we focus on Ephesians 6:4 and Paul’s words to fathers. Imagine the scene. This letter is being read aloud to a group of people meeting in a home. Men, women, children, slaves, and masters are all present. The word submitting is read and while people are pondering the implications of mutual submission, the reader then announces ‘wives.’ All the married women in the audience would pay close attention. Then ‘husbands’ would be announced, and all the married men would pay attention. Next would come ‘children’ and then ‘fathers.’ How are fathers to submit?

6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children.” Provoke is not difficult to understand. To provoke anything is to arouse anger in another. Fathers do not arouse anger in your child. A father is not responsible for how a child reacts to discipline or instruction. What a father is responsible for is how the discipline and instruction is given. For instance, a father can be heavy handed. A father can act as if every word out of his mouth is law. When a father is overbearing, children will get afraid and angry. In Paul’s day, fathers were in charge. Being in charge some became forceful and domineering with little affection.

Fathers also know their children’s sore spots. Fathers know what buttons to push to get a reaction from their child. Paul’s instruction includes both ideas. Fathers are not to be motivated by their own dominance nor are they to push the buttons that results in anger in the child.

Instead, fathers are to nurture their children. NIV reads “bring them up.” This is the same word that Paul uses in 5:29 describing how husbands are to feed and care for their wives as their own body. It’s the only two times this word is used in the NT. Inherent in the word is both to feed and nurture. This is the father’s responsibility. We think of the mother being nurturing and she is. This is not to take away from that. It is that fathers are not to be aloof. One feeds a baby by being present and spooning the food into their mouths. Only a poor parent would put food on a dish and walk away. Even when a child is old enough to feed themselves, parents do not force the child to eat in isolation. The father that God is looking for is the man who will invest in their child with time, energy, and effort. To feed also requires a nurturing attitude—a teaching attitude—not a demanding one.

The child will not eat their food while someone is yelling at them or pushing their hot buttons. Instead of eating with gladness there is eating with anger and sadness.

God is looking for a father who feeds and nurtures his child. The father takes on the role just as he does as the husband of taking the position of being less demanding and more supportive.

When I was teaching both of my children how to do things, it would have been very easy to take it away from them without giving them time to learn. There were times when I was in the middle of doing something and one of my kids would want to help. To help meant things would slow down and while there were times I denied their help, many times it meant that I needed to stop, teach patiently, let them learn and develop coordination, and slow the process.

Fathers are to nurture their children. We do that by being with them to patiently feed and teach.

Paul then says what we are to train our children. This same word is translated in Hebrews 12 as discipline. To train in anything is to learn the boundaries. It is to learn what is permitted and what is not. To go through training for a job means learning what the job requires and what it doesn’t require. It means at times being corrected and being disciplined. Fathers are to train their children. They are to help the child curb certain emotions and actions while supporting those that lead to greater virtue. Imagine a tree that is recently planted. If one wants the tree to grow strong and for roots to grow deep, we can do several things. We dig a hole deep enough for the tree to be rooted. We water it of course. But then we may also stake it. Tying ropes around branches and then tie the other end to stakes that are placed in the ground surrounding the tree. Why? So that the tree will not be pushed over in fierce winds. So that the tree will grow straight and tall. So that the tree will not be able to be swayed by the elements. This is what fathers do. We are the stakes for our children so that they grow and are not easily swayed by the forces that surround them.

Our instructions are not personal thoughts. Paul says we train our children in the ways of God. Back to our house church scene. These fathers are being taught in the ways of God and Paul’s instructions are that the fathers are to make sure that their children are taught in the ways of God as well. By doing so, we counter the instructions of the world. Paul paints a picture of a father who is patiently feeding his children with God’s instructions; a father who is guiding his children with God’s discipline; a father who isn’t pushing his agenda or his emotions on to his child so that the child becomes angry. This is counter to the culture of Paul’s day. While fathers in Paul’s day were responsible for the education of their child, they many times turned that over to someone else. Paul puts fathers back into the mix. They are to be responsible and they are to be involved. And their involvement is to set the tone for God’s will to be persuasively shared and absorbed.

Application

This is the ideal. No father will meet the ideal all the time, but consistency is what we are after not perfection. How do we do that? How can we fathers be consistent in our approach to nurturing our children? Every situation is different and every father is different in approach. My suggestions are just that. They are not commands or even expectations, but they are designed to make sure that we fathers are intentional about being the father God wants.

Make sure most evening meals are shared together without tv, without phones, without distractions. There is a correlation between eating the evening meal together and success in areas like academics, behaviors, and social. More evenings than not be together as a family around a table. Pray together; eat; talk; share.

Find something that your child enjoys that doesn’t cost money and do it with your child. While we call it play, it will also be a time to instruct and nurture.

Go on a walk with your child and talk. While riding in a car, turn off the music and use this forced time together to talk.

Show up at school events that few fathers show up for. PTA meetings; school events for fathers; go have lunch with your child at school. Do what few fathers do and in being the exception your child will see that you are invested.

Put your child to bed at night to say nightly prayers and to talk. When they are teens, don’t ignore the bedtime routines. Be available.

Here’s the last one. Stop telling your children to go ask their mother. Say instead, I will talk with your mom and we will decide. Take the responsibility for guiding and instructing and then explaining to the child the decision made so that the child can hear from their father what the boundaries are.

Notice none of these require money. They require time, energy, and intent. To dads whose children are grown and gone. We can’t go back and undo history, but we can do something going forward. Again, these are suggestions not commands.

Pray for your children and for opportunities to build relationship.

Text your child regularly. In these days of technology, our children are more apt to respond to a text than a phone call.

Write your child a note of praise and blessing and mail it or email it.

Seek out times when together to spend some alone time. Confess your regrets, failures, and desire for the relationship to be different.

Be involved in your grandchildren’s lives if possible. You cannot be a parent again, but you can have a different view and set of actions than with your own children. My grandfather Baldwin was a changed man after grandchildren came along. While his children described him as hard and harsh growing up, they saw a man who softened significantly with grandchildren and three of his grandsons conducted his funeral regaling stories of fun, humor, and godliness.

Prayer and invitation.

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