The New Person In Your Home

Introduction

Can we agree that there are no perfect relationships? No husband and father always does the right thing. No wife and mother lives perfectly. No child is completely obedient. No working situation is ideal. Even knowing that truth, we have expectations for our relationships. The truth is we all have certain expectations for our relationships and when those expectations are not met, conflict and problems arise.

God has expectations for relationships as well. His expectations are realistic and clear. His expectations demand much. From the beginning, God made us as relational beings. There is a yearning within us to connect with others. The One who put the desire to be with others within us has not left us scratching our heads wondering what is expected of us in those relationships. Last week Frank reminded us that compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love are all necessary for our relationships. These attitudes demonstrate the heart and desire of God for relationships. Today, we turn our attention to how these qualities appear in the family.

Family

If we have been raised with Christ and have put on new clothes, then our homes need to be a reflection of those new people. Following Jesus means we are looking to be like Jesus in our homes. Paul is writing to a group who needs to understand how being raised with Christ looks like in the home. Historically, we need to have an appreciation that households many times included more than just mom, dad, and the kids. Among the wealthy, slaves and their families would have been included as well. Thus, this section emphasizes all areas of the household. As uncomfortable as we might be with the idea of slavery, such was common practice in Paul’s day. Paul probably has Philemon and Onesimus specifically in mind as he is writing this.

Onesimus was a slave. Philemon was his master. Philemon was a prominent member of the Colossian church. Onesimus had run away from Philemon’s household. Such an action was against Roman law. Paul wrote him a specific letter concerning Onesimus to Philemon which is found in our Bibles after the letter to Titus. In this letter Paul wants the entire congregation as well as the church in Laodecia to be aware of God’s desire concerning the household. But the specific situation between Onesimus and Philemon is obviously in Paul’s mind. In 4:9, Paul is going to send this letter to the church in Colossae using Tychicus and Onesimus as his messengers. This could have been a volatile situation.

Let’s look at the text. Wives, submit to your husbands. The word “submit” means that the command is not forced but voluntary. In other words, the intent is that the wife is to voluntarily yield to her husband. The husband cannot force submission and has no right to expect it. It is God’s desire, will, and command that wives submit to their husbands but this is the woman’s obligation not the husband’s command. “As is fitting in the Lord” means that this is not a blind submission but a submission that is consistent with living faithfully in relation to Jesus. There is nothing in the text that suggests the dominance of men. Quite the contrary.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Just as it is with the command for wives so it is here. This is the husband’s task. The wife cannot force the husband to love her. The word “love” is agape. In this context it means that husbands are to forego his rights. He is to think in terms of what is best for his wife rather than what is best for himself. This is the husband’s work.

But the latter part of this command for husbands is very interesting. “Do not be harsh with them” carries two ideas. First, it means that husbands are not to by tyrannical, overbearing, or use intimidating behavior with their wife. It also means that even if your wife doesn’t submit the way you think she ought to, the husband’s obligation is to treat her right no matter what. Sulking, grumbling, fuming, or even physical and mental mistreatment is not the response of a loving husband.

In our world, the expectations we have too often sound like this—she says he needs to love me and she is not willing to submit or she should submit to me and he is not thinking about what is best for her but only for himself. The demand is for the other to change and then I don’t have to. It’s far easier to criticize the other rather than looking to fulfill our God instructed role.

Let’s move on to parenting issues. Children are to obey their parents in everything. This command is absolute. This command would have been given more to older children who are able to understand the meaning and who like their parents would have been Christians and able to understand the commitment they have made to Christ. The same command is given to the slaves in verse 22. It is a call for absolute obedience.

This command assumes that parents will not demand anything immoral of their children and that parents have the best interest of their children at heart. The idea is that parents will lead their children closer to God not further away from him through their demands upon their children. This is God’s command to any child who is able to understand the words. God expects you to obey your parents. Disobedience to the rules your parents set out is against the will of God. Your obedience pleases God.

Fathers are not to embitter their children or discourage them in their walk with Jesus. Just as Paul has already told us in verses 12–14, we are to treat our children with the same attitudes of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love. Our children who have come into relationship with God may still be our children, but they are God’s children too. And to mistreat one of God’s children will not go unnoticed by the one who is their Father.

Lessons

First, the relationship between a husband and wife is one of mutually foregoing rights for the sake of the other because we belong to Jesus. Wives know something about submission. As women, you have learned how to submit to Jesus. It is the same idea. Husbands know something about love. As men, we have learned how to love Jesus. Both submission and love carry the idea of setting aside what we want for the sake of another.

Submission and love include the idea of wanting what is best for the other person rather being concerned about having my needs met first.

Submission and love means accepting the demands of a relationship without keeping track of sacrifices done.

Submission and love means accepting responsibility for each other, that is, seeing problems and issues as mutual concerns.

Submission and love means listening to each other.

Second, the relationship between children and parents is to be one of mutual care. Inherent within the command for children to obey their parents is the idea that parents want what is best for their children. Some want to give specific situations in which children can ignore the command, but Paul is not giving any exceptions. He says “in everything” and that is inclusive. But what Paul does in his command to the fathers. Listen to me carefully dads. Constant criticism, nagging, and verbal attacks destroy a child’s spirit. As we demonstrate the attitudes which are seen in verses 12–14, our children learn how to live accordingly. The command to us to not discourage our children is not to be taken lightly. To mistreat our children leads them away from God. This does not release children from obedience. Parents are going to make mistakes and there will be times in which you will feel mistreated, but you know the difference.

Third, Jesus is mentioned 7 times in this text. Jesus is to be our ultimate guide in how we are to deal with each other. We have been raised with Christ. We have been clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. We have been forgiven and we have learned how to forgive. We love like Jesus loved. Wives you have submitted to Jesus—do the same with your husband. Husbands you have learned to love Jesus—do the same with your wife. Children you have learned to obey Jesus—do the same with your parents.

It is our relationship with Jesus which defines our home life.

Problems in the home exist. There are no perfect relationships.

It is in our relationship with Jesus that we learn how to be good parents, spouse, and children.

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