Saying What You Mean

Introduction

Communication in any relationship is vital, but it is also easily misrepresented. Who hasn’t had the experience of being misunderstood? Who hasn’t said something only to have the response not fit the statement? Who hasn’t had to apologize in some way because the words said didn’t reflect what we really wanted to express? From the time we learn to talk, communication is a vital part of our lives, but it can be really complicated at times. Even when two people love each other so much that they want to be married, communication is not a simple venture. And then add children to the mix and communication becomes even more difficult.

Reflect on your family. Ever been misunderstood? Ever thought that people didn’t listen to you? Ever had the time where you said what you thought was very clear only to discover that your intended message did not get through? It can be frustrating. Even greeting card companies are finding that it is difficult to convey just the right message. Have you noticed the number of cards on shelves now that are blank inside? A nice picture on the outside with a simple phrase or thought but no words on the inside. The greeting card companies now will allow you to buy a picture card and write your own thought in it. When it comes to communication, finding just the right words can be difficult. But when we do—we are rewarded beyond what we had hoped.

When our spouse, children, family, friends all hear the message we want to say and respond appropriately, we find that relationships deepen. And as relationships deepen we become more open to express even more about our thoughts and feelings. Becoming great communicators takes real effort. Participating in the communication process is not easy but when we do participate with a desire to know someone, then we are rewarded in ways that words cannot express. Our lesson today has to do with learning to express ourselves in constructive and valid ways. The principles suggested will be directed toward the family, but would fit in any relationship. Listen for what you can use and then find ways to incorporate these principles in your relationships at home, work, school, and day to day.

Barriers to Communication

Very quickly I want to give three barriers to good communication and then give an equal number of factors which contribute to good communication. Neither list is exhaustive but intended to cause us to reflect on our own communication styles and patterns. Remember these principles are valid for all relationships but we will apply them specifically to marriage and family.

The first barrier is indirect communication. Too often couples hint at what they want rather than being specific. In the process of hinting, they are hoping that their spouse or family member will read between the lines and understand what is being said without having to state it specifically. We do this as parents with children when we say things like “is that what you are wearing?” Now it is indirect because we didn’t come right out and say “I don’t like what you are wearing.” But that is only part of the message. The rest of the message is either “I will not allow you to wear that” or “You need to change willingly.” Either message is unstated and indirect. But our children have learned to pick up on these indirect comments. We parents complicate the issue when our children respond with “Well, I was, but if you don’t like it, then I’ll change” and our response is “No…No. I was just asking for information.” Indirect communication hurts the entire process. With practice we can create an atmosphere of distrust and insecurity all the while smiling and pretending that we are only asking for information.

A second barrier to good communication is contradictory communication. This barrier is seen when we give two messages at the same time which contradict each other. Contradictory communication is saying one thing while a second meaning is either implied or meant. It happens when the husband comes in from work and the wife sees him and says “Honey, what’s wrong?” And he responds with the simple word, “nothing.” Depending on how it is said determines the truthfulness in the message. There is also the contradictory communication which happens when we put our family in a verbal double bind. Double binds are mixed messages which cannot be responded to in any way which will result in a victory. For instance, a mother buys her son two shirts. He puts one on and the mother’s response is “what, you didn’t like the other shirt.” Can’t win. Or the husband says to his wife to quit spending money because the financial belt is tight only to have him complain at a later time why she didn’t buy a great bargain when it was obvious that the product was needed for the home. This barrier produces negative feelings and usually results in feelings of resentment, bitterness, and conflict.

The final barrier to good communication that we will look at briefly has to do with assumptions made. We all make assumptions in our family. We assume that our husband will fix things around the house just like their father did. We assume that our wife will prepare supper just like mom used to. These assumptions can be devastating. Most assumptions are false. Most assumptions result in actions which dishonor our spouse and family in some way. A word of warning—when you begin to think that you can read your spouse like a book, you will eventually think you can assume what your mate thinks and never check to verify what your mate thinks. For example, let’s suppose a husband gives his wife a blender for Christmas. What assumptions could be made? The wife may assume he is unromantic. But it is also possible that he have watched his wife fix supper and thought it would be a perfect gift to keep her from having to work so hard. Both made false assumptions. Neither communicated.

Successful Communication

Ideally good communication takes place when there is mutual appreciation, trust, respect, and understanding. But what produces these traits of good communication? Let me give you three factors which encourage good communication. The first is accept the other person’s feelings. Feelings are not always logical. We can understand when a person is sad because of the loss of something valuable, but sometimes we feel things without cause. When someone in our family feels afraid, angry, lonely, sad, or extremely happy they may not know why but it is invaluable to know that those feelings can be expressed and accepted. Let’s make a quick distinction between acceptance and agreeing. Accepting feelings doesn’t mean that you agree with the feelings but it allows the person who has the feelings to know that you are going to accept them and not reject them. It often happens within a marriage that feelings are denied. One spouse will tell the other that they are frustrated by the events going on and the other spouse will say something to the effect of “get over it.” Such an exchange doesn’t foster good communication. Learn to accept the emotions of another and support those emotions so that we do not reject our spouse.

Second, good communication increases as we reveal more about ourselves. Some of us are afraid of telling too much about ourselves—thoughts and feelings because we are afraid of being rejected. Revealing what we think and feel to another allows our spouse to know what is going on inside of us and eliminates the trap of trying to make assumptions. As we voluntarily tell another what we think and feel that person feels free to reciprocate. Do not mistake this for what may be called being “brutally honest.” Revealing our thoughts and feelings does not mean excessive criticism about our spouse or another person. This kind of “honesty” destroys relationship rather than healing and encouraging it.

Finally, good communication increases as our listening increases. It is amazing that many couples never listen to each other. Real listening includes hearing not only the words being said but the nonverbal clues being given. We listen to the inflection of the voice; we see the posture of the body; we see the expression on the face; we listen with our ears, eyes, and heart. True listening encourages the other person to speak fully and completely. Good communication happens when we tune in to the other person and allow that person to say what they have to say without interrupting, without making assumptions, without jumping ahead and finishing sentences. We give our full attention to the other person so that they can say what needs to be said.

In John Steinbeck’s The Winter of our Discontent, Ethan ponders his relationship with his wife, Mary: “When I am troubled, I play a game of silly so that my dear will not catch trouble from me. She hasn’t found me out yet, or if she has, I’ll never know it. So many things I don’t know about my Mary, and among them, how much she knows about me…” Good communication is about allowing ourselves to be known and coming to know another. So what does all of this have to do with God and his relationship with us? Glad you asked. In Hebrews 1, the writer begins his sermon with a statement of truth. If we want to know the character of God; if we want to know what God is like; then we need to pay attention to Jesus. The writer says that Jesus is the exact representation of God’s being. God communicated to us very plainly about his will and purpose and intent. Through Jesus he allowed us to see him fully and completely.

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