Myths of Marriage

Introduction

For the next four weeks, Dwight and I will be presenting some lessons about family. While we recognize that not every lesson will touch each person, we do want to touch on some issues which may assist in how we think about our family. It is our hope that while much of what we will say will have to do with marriage and children, the principles can be applied to those who are not married and may not have children. These spiritual truths will apply in a variety of settings including our families.

There are common beliefs about marriage which exist. These beliefs are not necessarily true, but they, nonetheless, exist. We could look at a lot of possible causes for these beliefs, but what may be more beneficial is to try to understand these beliefs and then learn how to combat them in spiritually and emotionally healthy ways. There has been plenty of research about marriages. But even with all that research, there are still some erroneous beliefs about marriage. For just a few moments today, we are going to look at some of these false beliefs and then compare these beliefs to what God says about marriage. We want our marriages to be the best that they can be. Dispelling some notions and reinforcing others is our purpose today.

Myths of Marriage

When we believe the wrong thing about marriage, then conflict and misunderstandings will arise. Every person who has been married has experienced what might be called a lightbulb moment. This is the time that it occurs to you that something in your marriage isn’t as you thought it might be. It might occur when he quits making an effort to be romantic. Or it might have occurred when she quit getting dressed up for you. Or it might have happened when children came along. Or it might have happened after the honeymoon when you had to go back to work and coming home didn’t bring nearly the enthusiasm as dates use to. Whatever the occasion, we have had those moments when a bit of the innocence about marriage wore away. But we still hang on to some false beliefs about marriage. Even as we age and mature in our views, there are some things about marriage that we still expect and anticipate. What are some of these false beliefs or myths of marriage?

Let’s look at a few of these myths and as we do so we will pay special attention to what God has to say in reference to these beliefs. The first myth finds its way not just in marriage but in any relationship. It is the belief that problems is somebody else’s fault. It finds expression in statements like this—“if you would help more with the kids, then I would be in a better mood” or “if you would let me handle the bills, we wouldn’t be in this shape” or “if I got a little more understanding from you, I might not complain so much.” We find reasons to blame the other person so that we don’t have to assume any responsibility. In most marriages, we see our point of view very well. What we don’t see nearly as easily is the other side.

You remember the old saying “it takes two to tango.” It takes two people to play the blame game. It takes two people to have an argument. When we get into an argument with our spouse, most of the time we will play the blame game. We will attribute the problem to our spouse. “If you would do better, then I wouldn’t be like this.”

That is a lot of power to give to our spouse. By playing the blame game not only do you relieve yourself of responsibility but you give your spouse a lot of power. “As long as he does this, I can’t be happy.” Really? In Matthew 25, Jesus tells the story of a man who distributes money to his servants. The third servant hides the money and then says he did so because the master was too hard. The servant didn’t assume responsibility for his actions but blamed the master.

What does the master say to the servant? You lazy servant. When we stand before God, do you think that God will listen to our excuses why we blamed another or hold us accountable for what we did or didn’t do? In our marriages we cannot blame our spouse. We must take responsibility for our actions and words in marriage. Blaming our spouse for our lack of happiness is a cop out. Blaming another for our deficiencies or our lack of control means that we are refusing to take responsibility for our lives. God will hold us responsible for what we did; not what our spouse did.

The second myth says that a good marriage is supposed to be easy. The truth is that a good marriage is a good marriage because the couple has worked hard on it. But sometimes when our marriage seems a bit rocky or we begin to have problems that aren’t easily solved, we begin to wonder if there might be someone else with whom we could more easily live. The truth is that hard work in a marriage suggests that you married the right person. The difficulties we struggle with in marriage often show us where our own personalities are deficient and give us the chance to change. The truth is marriage brings out the areas that we need to work on.

What too often happens in our marriages is that we notice the flaws in our partner long before our partner notices them. And then we begin to demand change before our partner is ready to change. This is where the work comes in. Christian couples particularly accept this belief. Since Christians believe that God brought them together then marriage shouldn’t be a difficult and painful experience. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” Even Paul understood that marriage takes work. It takes work to make a good marriage. That work helps us improve as people.

The third myth comes from the second. A good marriage takes a lot of hard work. That means we have plenty of opportunities to change. The third myth says “I shouldn’t have to change.” It is the belief that the way I am is the way I have always been and the way I will always be. It is further the belief that my spouse ought to accept me as I am and not try to change me. Part of that statement is absolutely true. Marriage is not about changing our spouse to meet our own ideas of what a good spouse looks like. Marriage is about changing ourselves to better serve our spouse. Marriage is not about accepting our weaknesses with the attitude of “accept me as I am” but rather learning what our weaknesses are and developing ways to be better in those areas.

When God says that we are to become “one flesh” included in that statement is the idea of seeing the strengths of our partner especially as it benefits our weaknesses and moving toward those strengths. By doing so we become more “one” than separate. Trying to make another person change rarely works or if it does resentment builds up so much that it is nearly impossible to become “one.”

Perhaps we have been reminded of how easy it is to get the wrong idea about marriage. The image of a marriage is often used in scripture to describe the relationship between God and his people. In Ephesians 5, it is the husband-wife analogy which is used to describe the relationship between Jesus and the church. Let’s work hard at our marriages. Let’s do what we can to accept responsibility for our own actions rather than blaming our spouse for problems. Let’s realize that changing our selves for the benefit of our spouse helps in making us “one.” In the same way God calls on us to accept responsibility for our sin and to change.

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