Mom, Dad, and the Kids

Introduction

As long as marriage exists, as long as folks have children, as long as workers have bosses and bosses have workers, there will be problems. We can go ahead and admit on the front end that there are no perfect relationships. No husband and father always does the right thing. No wife and mother lives perfectly. No child is completely obedient. No working situation is ideal. Even knowing that truth, we expect certain things from our relationships. Expectations can be too high and they can be too low. Expectations can be too demanding, too unrealistic, and too uncertain. All of this is for the counseling room, but the truth is we all have certain expectations for our relationships and when those expectations are not met, conflict and problems arise.

God has expectations for relationships as well. His expectations are realistic and clear. His expectations do not demand too much. These expectations clearly identify each person’s responsibility within these relationships. Why is this important? Because God is the originator of relationships. From the beginning, God made us as relational beings. There is a yearning within us to connect with others. The One who put the desire to be with others within us has not left us scratching our heads wondering what is expected of us in those relationships. Last week Dwight reminded us that compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love are all necessary for our relationships. These attitudes demonstrate the heart and desire of God for relationships. Today, we turn our attention to the family. What does God expect of families? Paul gives us some insight today. Familiar texts have to be read more carefully. We shall try to be careful today as we reread a familiar text.

Family

We call ourselves the family church. That means a couple of things. We want to be the place where people can come and feel like they are part of a family. But it also means that we want to strengthen and support families. Because God is the originator of family life, we want relationships within that framework to live according to God’s plans, goals, and purposes. Paul is writing to a group who we surmise is having difficulty along with other problems with family life. He wants his readers to know what God expects about their relationships especially in the home.

Historically, we need to have an appreciation that households many times included more than just mom, dad, and the kids. Among the wealthy, slaves and their families would have been included as well. Thus, this section emphasizes all areas of the household. As uncomfortable as we might be with the idea of slavery, such was common practice in Paul’s day. Paul probably has Philemon and Onesimus specifically in mind as he is writing this.

Onesimus was a slave. Philemon was his master. Philemon was a prominent member of the Colossian church. Onesimus had run away from Philemon’s household. Such an action was against Roman law. Paul wrote him a specific letter concerning Onesimus to Philemon which is found in our Bibles after the letter to Titus. In this letter Paul wants the entire congregation as well as the church in Laodecia to be aware of God’s desire concerning the household. But the specific situation between Onesimus and Philemon is obviously in Paul’s mind. In 4:9, Paul is going to send this letter to the church in Colossae using Tychicus and Onesimus as his messengers. So this possibly could have been a volatile situation.

Let’s look at the text. Unlike the parallel text in Ephesians 5, Paul is short and to the point in Colossians. Wives, submit to your husbands. Let’s cut to the chase. The word “submit” is in the middle passive voice in Greek. This means that the command is not forced but voluntary. In other words, the intent is that the wife is to voluntarily yield to her husband. The husband cannot force submission and has no right to expect it. It is God’s desire, will, and command that wives submit to their husbands but this is the woman’s obligation not the husband’s command. There is nothing in the text that suggests the dominance of men. Quite the contrary.

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Just as it is with the command for wives so it is here. This is the husbands task. The wife cannot force the husband to love her. The word “love” is agape. In this context it means that husbands are to forego his rights. He is to think in terms of what is best for his wife rather than what is best for him.

This would have been quite a statement in Paul’s day. The relationship between men and women in Paul’s day was drastically different from our current situation. Women had few rights. All the power was with the husband. He had the power of divorce, wealth, heirs, business, and living conditions. Women were often little more than property. In this context, Paul is telling the husbands to set aside their rights as husbands and consider what their wife’s needs are over his own. This is the husband’s work.

But the latter part of this command for husbands is very interesting. “Do not be harsh with them” carries possibly two ideas. First, it could mean that husbands are not to be tyrannical, overbearing, or use intimidating behavior with their wife. But it could also mean that even if your wife doesn’t submit the way you think she ought to, the husband’s obligation is to treat her right no matter what. Sulking, grumbling, fuming, or even physical and mental mistreatment is not the response of a loving husband.

Quickly, let’s move on to parenting issues. Children are to obey their parents in everything. Unlike the commands above, this command is absolute. This command would have been given more to older children who are able to understand the meaning and who like their parents would have been Christians and able to understand the commitment they have made to Christ. The same command is given to the slaves in verse 22. It is a call for absolute obedience.

This command assumes that parents will not demand anything immoral of their children and that parents have the best interest of their children at heart. The idea is that parents will lead their children closer to God not further away from him through their demands upon their children. But this is the children’s job. This is God’s command to any child who is able to understand what I am saying. God expects you to obey your parents. Disobedience to the rules your parents set out is against the will of God. Your obedience pleases God.

Fathers are not to embitter their children or discourage them in their walk with Jesus. Just as Paul has already told us in verses 12-14, we are to treat our children with the same attitudes of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love. Our children who have come into relationship with God may still be our children, but they are God’s children too. And to mistreat one of God’s children will not go unnoticed by the one who is their Father.

Lessons

Let’s bring all of this together.

First, the relationship between a husband and wife is one of mutually foregoing any rights for the sake of the other because we both belong to Jesus. Wives know something about submission. As women, you have learned how to submit to Jesus. It is the same idea. Husbands know something about love. As men, we have learned how to love Jesus. Both submission and love carry the idea of setting aside what we want for the sake of another.

Submission and love include the idea of wanting what is best for the other person rather than being concerned about having my needs met first. Submission and love means accepting the demands of a relationship without keeping track of sacrifices done. Submission and love means accepting responsibility for each other, that is, seeing problems and issues as mutual concerns. Submission and love means listening to each other.

Second, the relationship between children and their parents is to be one of mutual care. Inherent within the command for children to obey their parents is the idea that parents want what is best for their children. Some want to give specific situations in which children can ignore the command, but Paul is not giving any exceptions. He says “in everything” and that is fully inclusive. But what Paul does is give his command to the fathers. Listen to me carefully dads and moms. Constant criticism, nagging, and verbal beatings can destroy a child’s spirit. As we demonstrate the attitudes which are seen in verses 12-14, our children learn how to live accordingly. The command to us to not discourage our children is not to be taken lightly. To lead our children away from God because of our mistreatment of them is solidly against the will of God. This does not release children from obedience. Parents are going to make mistakes and there will be times in which you will feel mistreated, but you know the difference.

Third, the difference in our relationships as God’s people with those who are not a part of God’s family is our relationship with Jesus. Jesus is mentioned seven times in this text. Jesus is to be our ultimate guide in how we are to deal with each other. The truth is that if you haven’t submitted to Jesus, ladies, you will have a hard time submitting to your husband. The truth is men, if you haven’t learned how to love Jesus, you will have a difficult time learning to love your wife. The truth is children, if you haven’t learned how to please Jesus with your life, you will have a hard time being obedient to your parents because pleasing yourself will be far more important than pleasing Jesus or your parents. The truth is parents, if we haven’t learned how to be compassionate, kind, humble, gentle, patient, forgiving, and loving with each other and others then we will lead our children away from God rather than closer to him.

It is our relationship with Jesus which defines our home life. If you do not know Jesus as your savior and master, you will not be a very good wife, husband, child, or parent.

Problems in the home exist. There are no perfect relationships. We have folks in this congregation who are trained and capable in helping families deal with problems and issues. See one of us if you are in need of some counseling. Or if you don’t want to talk with one of us, we can suggest some others for help.

But today, the focus is on your relationship with Jesus. It is in that relationship that we learn how to be good parents, spouse, and child. Do you know Jesus?

Follow Jesus

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