Marriage

Introduction

Our daughter is getting married soon. With that approaching event, I have thought about what I would like for her and our future son-in-law to know. Specifically, this lesson is based in Proverbs. God’s wisdom for marriage would be an apt title. But here is the interesting part: the word marriage is not mentioned in Proverbs. Instead the collection uses the terms “husband” and “wife.” So there is direct words of wisdom for those who comprise the marriage—God’s words of wisdom to those who participate in this God-given relationship.

Fewer people are choosing to marry. In the last 10–15 years the marriage rate has declined from 95 to 85%. There are those who choose to remain single, and God endorses that choice. However, there are those who are choosing to live together without getting married. This is not what God wants. God’s desire for those who choose to enter into a relationship which may lead to marriage is for the man and the woman to marry. When that marriage is formed, God provides instructions about the nature of that relationship and how the husband and the wife are to treat each other. Today as we look through the Proverbs, we will find that God’s wisdom reveals that when the couple recognizes that your spouse is God’s gift to you, then marriage is good. When the couple chooses instead to despise your spouse, then marriage is draining and lifeless.

Today’s lesson is not exhaustive. There is much to say that I will not say today. I have chosen to remain focused on Proverbs. Paul’s letter to Ephesus says that the marriage relationship is a reminder of the relationship between Christ and the church. Christ as the husband died for his bride the church. He submitted himself to rejection, hatred, and death so that his bride would be honored. The church as the wife submits to Jesus, her husband. She listens to him and honors him as head. This relationship finds its earthly demonstration in marriage. Today we come to honor the one who is head of us—Christ the Lord—and together we proclaim that Jesus is Lord. We listen to him and follow him.

The Blessing

The texts that were read to us demonstrate the blessing of our spouse. Because Proverbs is written from a male perspective the emphasis is on the wife; however, it does no injustice to the text if we understand that the application is for both the wife and the husband. Proverbs 18:22 speaks of the blessing of a spouse, but the intent is not to endorse marriage but to endorse the spouse. The wording of the text parallels Proverbs 8:34–35 in which wisdom is personified. The one who finds wisdom receives favor from the Lord. The point is that a godly spouse is God’s blessing. Proverbs 19:14 makes this a bit clearer: a man who has a prudent wife or a resourceful wife has been blessed by God.

In the culture of this wisdom, marriages were largely arranged. Parents would agree to allow their children to marry. It was believed that parents who had wisdom would choose more effectively those who would bless their children. The idea is that marriages were not put together by human wisdom. Marriages existed because God was at work. In our culture a man and woman find one another, go through the ritual of dating, and finally decide if they want to marry or not. Such practices represent our individualistic view.

Start praying for your children and grandchildren about who they will marry. We are not going to change our culture in this area. But we must be praying that our children are led by God’s wisdom rather than their own as they decide about a spouse. And as you pray, make sure that your children and grandchildren know that it is God who will help them find their future spouse. Encourage them to remember that God is at work in all areas of life and it is God’s desire that they marry someone who is resourceful, prudent, and godly.

Second, model for your children that you understand that your spouse is God’s gift to you. Love your wife. Respect your husband. Make sure your spouse knows how much you value him or her. Gifts are valued; gifts are protected. I have received gifts from my grandparents which were connected to family from generations gone by. These are precious. They are not valuable to anyone else. Such is the way it must be with our spouse. Make sure that your spouse knows how much you value him or her, and when we do that we demonstrate the preciousness of the gift God has given to us.

The Curse

The Proverbs also recognizes that not all spouses are blessings. Because of the male perspective the focus is on the wife; however, it does not violate the intent of the text to expand our view to include the husband as well. There are several texts which are largely synonymous. Proverbs 19:13 and 27:15 share a similar theme. A foolish son is the one who dishonors the family, and in the same way a quarrelsome wife is like a dripping on a rainy day. Understand that quarrelsome means nagging. Dripping refers to the leaks in a house. Houses in those days were not leak-proof. The image is that of a leaky roof that distresses the occupants. So is a nagging wife. But it isn’t just a nagging wife. It would be the critical husband as well.

Proverbs 21:9 and 25:24 are identical, and 21:19 captures a similar image. Corner of the roof and the desert represent the same thing—solitariness and discomfort. A nagging wife or a critical husband can lead a spouse to desire being alone and uncomfortable rather than to share the house. This breaks the very nature of marriage—oneness. The words of our spouse can create so much hurt that we pull away from the relationship. This is not God’s intent.

In perhaps the most insightful text, Proverbs 12:4 speaks to the blessing and curse of marriage: “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” The spouse of sterling character who is spiritually strong—the spouse who is dependable, the one who is consistent—this type of spouse is the spouse’s crown. The spouse of noble character makes us look good in the community. The character of our spouse is blessing. Here’s the application: for the person who thinks “my spouse lacks excitement; my spouse is dull; my spouse is without creativity”—if your spouse is dependable, spiritually strong, of sterling character, then see the blessing rather than focusing on your lack of eventfulness. I am not endorsing boredom; I am endorsing the blessing that comes when your spouse is consistent with God and others.

The disgraceful spouse is unfaithful and contentious. The disgraceful spouse tears down his or her mate. The disgraceful spouse kills the spirit of his or her spouse. All it takes is one—one person to build up or one person to tear down. While there is a joke about marriage and criticism, there is nothing funny about a spouse being dishonored. Just as sterling character makes your spouse look good, so a disgraceful character kills the inner person. No one can see it. The community sees one thing, but the community cannot see how your spouse is dying on the inside because of continuously being undermined and criticized. The writer says it is decay in the bones. Continuous nagging and criticism is the osteoporosis of the spirit. Just as osteoporosis slowly deteriorates the physical bones, osteoporosis of the spirit occurs under the constant pressure of nagging and criticism.

It is impossible for imperfect people to form a perfect marriage. What is possible is for each person to make a choice—to see your spouse as God’s gift, God’s blessing and favor. Or you can choose to curse your relationship through constant criticism. Which will you choose? What kind of spouse are you? What does your marriage communicate to the community? Your children and grandchildren? The relationship of Christ and the church is the spiritual demonstration of the physical reality of marriage. Self-sacrificing; mutually submissive; seeing the best in the other and seeking the best.

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