1 Corinthians 7:25-31 · Genesis 2:15 · Genesis 3:16 · John 16:33 · Proverbs 27:17 — Lies
Marriage Is Supposed to Be Easy
This sermon examines the cultural lie that marriage should be easy, arguing instead that difficulty in marriage reflects the post-sin world and serves as a means for spouses to sharpen and help each other overcome their deficiencies.
Introduction
Our culture’s view of marriage has changed and is changing. There was a time when marriage was viewed as the means to have children. That is no longer the case. Most children are born outside of marriage in the U.S. Marriage was considered the means to economic improvement. That is no longer the case. With an emphasis on career, one can improve economically without marriage. Marriage was considered the means to improve the quality of life. That is no longer the case. For many, marriage is seen as dampening one’s enjoyment.
Our culture has moved to a romanticized view of marriage. As David Popenoe writes, marriage is now viewed as a capstone rather than a cornerstone of life. Get an education, settle into a career, have fun, and then if you find the right person, get married. People are waiting longer to get married. First time marriages among 40 year olds is at an all time high. While marriage is still important, the percentage of high school students who want or think they will marry has fallen below 80%. This is not necessarily bad. It means that people are maturing before marriage.
This cultural shift about marriage has also changed the expectations about marriage. For those who are getting married, the demands of marriage are higher than ever. Marriage has become more romanticized in some ways. If you are delaying marriage then you are going to be more aware of choices. People are looking for ideals in a mate. The expectations have gone up. Our culture now uses the word “soulmate” to describe the ideal person. Marriage is now viewed as the means to greater happiness, emotional and sexual compatibility, and our mate is supposed to be ideal or almost perfect. We are looking for “happy ever after” with a new intensity. Demanding more of marriage and our spouse means that we are more apt to believe the lie—marriage is supposed to be easy or to put it in the negative—if marriage is hard, then something is wrong with it or my spouse. That is the lie we are going to talk about today.
The Lie
Marriage is an option. One can remain single and please God. Marriage also pleases God. It isn’t one’s marital status that determines standing with God. Our faith in Jesus does that. I strongly urge couples to get premarital counseling. It provides opportunities for conversations that can reveal hidden expectations and problems that need to be dealt with before marriage. God has expectations about marriage. Culturally, as we have demanded that marriage take on the responsibility for our emotional happiness, we have high expectations about the quality of marriage. The quality of marriage is measured by how happy I am and how well we get along. If we are relatively happy (and happiness is a scale and by definition fleeting) and we are getting along well then we tend to say that we are satisfied.
The lie then becomes more entrenched. Good marriages are characterized by harmony, sexual compatibility, emotional stability, and any other standard we want to use. It’s hard to argue with this lie. After all, we would all be willing to say that not arguing with our spouse daily is preferred and that daily arguments reflect some lack of compatibility. To deal with this lie, we have to go beyond the measures and look at the basis of marriage which culturally we have lost.
Turn to Genesis 2. When man is created, he is given the task to guard and protect the garden (2:15; the word care means to keep, guard, protect) and he is also tasked with naming the animals. It is in that process that he discovers he lacks real companionship and woman is created from the flesh of man. She is his helper—not servant, but one who is to help fill his deficiencies. She too is deficient as chapter 3 demonstrates, but together they are to form a bond of interdependence. After the eating of the forbidden fruit, one of the consequences that God announces is found in 3:16. There will always be tension in marriage. It is a consequence of sin and we live in a post-sin world and attempts to recover a pre-sin world are going to fail. This is good news even as it is perceived as bad news. No one likes tension. We want a peaceful, easy existence. But in a post-sin world, that is not possible. Work is hard. Childbirth is hard. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. If we tell ourselves the truth rather than believing the lie, there is a greater likelihood to have a marriage that we like.
Paul says the same thing in our text. In a section where he is answering questions that have come from the Corinthian church, this particular answer dealing with the spiritual value of singles, Paul writes that marriage or singleness is commanded by God. God endorses both. But the reality is that marriage adds a level of trouble that singleness does not. There will be difficulties in life. Jesus said so in John 16:33. Jesus wasn’t excluding marriage or singleness in his blanket statement. Trouble or problems or tension or issues are a part of every facet of life. Believing the lie is a sign that something is wrong or to put it in the positive the lie says life should be easy and now we are back to a sermon that Frank preached a few weeks ago.
The Truth
So how do we combat the lie? We have to speak truth. What is the purpose of any relationship not just marriage? Part of every relationship is to discover our deficiencies and have someone help us. The lie that marriage is supposed to be easy ignores the reality of living in a post-sin world, but it also denies the truth of the pre-sin world—people are made with innate deficiencies. We are not perfect people and neither is our spouse. How can two imperfect people have a perfect marriage? And if there is a recognition of deficiency then we have to know that marriage is hard because of those deficiencies. And our spouse has them too and that increases the difficulty.
What is the implication of this truth? Marriage becomes the means by which another person helps you discover and work on your deficiencies. In other words, marriage is about learning from another person how to work out flaws. Demanding that your spouse be flawless is a sure way to be miserable in a marriage. Proverbs 27:17 says that as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. This is true about any relationship that is enduring and going to be long lasting. We are here to sharpen each other. We all have flaws and we need others not merely to point them out but to assist us to learn how to deal with them. This is one of the purposes of marriage.
How do we learn to accept the truth over the lie? Let me suggest a few things.
First, start with you. It is easy to see the flaws in our spouse and not as easy to see our own. Take time to reflect on your own flaws. Chances are your spouse has already been trying to tell you what they are. Like most of us we get defensive when we are shown our flaws. Take the time to step outside and evaluate. Just you and God can go through the process together. Seeking his wisdom, find your flaws and then recognize that you and only you are responsible for them. Your spouse doesn’t make them worse. Your spouse is your helper.
Second, part of the hard work of marriage and really of self is to look for the good rather than the negative. It is much easier to see the negative and to speak about it. John Gottman, one of the foremost researchers about marriage, says that for marriages to work well we must have 5 compliments to 1 criticism ratio. Additionally, the criticism needs to come at some time rather than at bedtime. Find ways to compliment your spouse and discover the benefit.
Lastly, for our young people and singles: if there is a part of you that wonders if marriage is worth it, then hear this message. If God calls you to be single then he will guide your path and your spiritual value is not based on marriage. If God calls you to marriage, the likelihood of divorce is very remote if you hold on to your faith in their marriage and marry someone who shares similar spiritual values. In our culture, you can choose who you marry. Choose one who loves God as much as you do and choose one who shares your faith and will support your faith throughout your dating relationship and into marriage. Marriage requires hard work. Don’t make it harder by choosing someone with different values.
Jesus’s death on the cross was necessary because of our sin.
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