I Shouldn't Have to Change

Introduction

One of the hardest parts of any relationship is appreciating the differences. We have a saying that opposites attract. There is enough truth in that statement to be dangerous. When it comes to marriage and friendships, the more similar you are in values the more likely you are to have a good relationship. In fact, there are several personality traits that when they are more similar tend to lead to a more satisfactory relationship—values, curiosity, energy, verbal and emotional intimacy—but these traits still allow for differences which can be irritating to each other. In many ways we want the other person in the relationship to be more similar than dissimilar.

In fact, we even criticize the dissimilarity. Sometimes the dissimilarity is insignificant. For instance, you like a particular flavor of ice cream and your friend likes one of those odd flavors. It really is insignificant but our comments can be something like, “you are getting dill pickle ice cream. Why?!!” While relationships tend not to succeed over ice cream, a criticism even in an insignificant area of life can increase dissatisfaction. But a criticism in a more significant part of life can be more detrimental to the quality of the relationship. Differing views about money, fun, affection, and politics can lead to insurmountable barriers.

What increases the significance of these differences is believing the lie that the problem lies with my partner rather than with me. In other words, the lie is “I Shouldn’t Have to Change” or to put it another way, if you were more like me then we would have fewer problems. The lie is easy to believe and difficult to overcome. Let’s see what God says about the lie and how to live differently.

The Lie

The “I shouldn’t have to change” lie assumes that the problem lies with the other person. It assumes that I don’t have anything to change or if I do it is minor in comparison to the other person. This lie is often heard this way: “if he would just change, then our relationship would be better.” No doubt one person changing can enhance the quality of a relationship. The man who communicates will have a positive effect on his marriage. The woman who gives up nagging will have a positive effect on her marriage. However, the reality is that two people trying to be in a relationship with each other is complicated and we tend to criticize what we find offensive and then allow our emotions to be dictated by the other. In other words, our feelings dictate how we feel about our partner and the quality of the relationship. That brings us back to relationships take work and we think they need to be easy. Lies.

So we demand sameness. We don’t appreciate differences. We want someone who is more like us so that we understand them more. We criticize the differences and then think our spouse is the problem. I don’t have to change.

This lie finds itself in congregations as well. We like sameness and have a hard time appreciating differences. While scripture instructs us all to be like Jesus, different personalities and structures will make that fluid in some ways. We find it easy to like our preferences and expect that others like them too. Trying to appreciate the differences in congregations is not easy but it is easy to think that others ought to change to fit my preferences rather than thinking that I am the one who needs to change the way I think and act.

We have the lie that “I don’t need to change” that leads to the lie “differences are not good” that leads to the lie “the other person changing will make things better” that leads to the lie “relationships aren’t supposed to be hard.” All of these lies only come out when there are differences which makes the “differences are not good” lie particularly believable. What we want is harmony and unity in our family and our congregation. Differences seem to be the culprit, but that is lie. It isn’t the difference but our perception of the differences. “If we were more alike, then our relationships would be easier and better.” Now we are back to “relationships are supposed to be easy.” It is truly a tangled mess, but then lies do that.

The Truth

Our text addresses these lies. While Paul is writing specifically about congregational life, this can be applied to all relationships. The body has many different parts and the problem is not the differences but our perception of those differences. Paul’s point is that the differences are God ordained. The differences make the body function better. Without the differences we would not be the body of Christ. The differences reveal the wisdom of God. In marriage, Jesus says what God has joined together should not be separated. Do you think he didn’t know differences would exist? It sounds like differences are to be celebrated rather than criticized.

Husbands and wives need each other because of their differences. Congregations need differences to demonstrate the wisdom of God in bringing unity. When people are not getting along, it isn’t because of the differences but the perception about those differences that drives the disharmony. A failure to appreciate the differences will make criticism easier. I’m not talking about moral failures. I’m talking about personality differences that need to be celebrated. Imagine everyone being so similar that we cannot see the beauty of the world in its entirety because we are looking through the same lens. We need people who have various preferences. The problem is not the differences; the problem is us learning to celebrate the differences rather than trying to change them.

When we believe the lie that others should change then we have discord. When we believe the truth that differences are to be celebrated we can work on listening more carefully to what others are saying. We can allow God’s Spirit to help us move toward peace and kindness rather than criticism.

Application

How do we do that? First, are you praying for your spouse or friend? There are times when we allow our displeasure to set aside what we know we need to be doing. Praying for our spouse or friend also means that we pray for ourselves to see things more clearly. Talk to yourself about the truth. Remind yourself over and over again that differences are God ordained and important. Remind yourself that this person provides strengths to help with your weaknesses. That means acknowledging your own weaknesses while thanking God for the one who is helping you deal with those deficiencies. Thank God for the differences. We need them.

Second, on things that “rub you the wrong way” have a conversation about those things. Everyone needs to change and everyone needs to be given the opportunity to make changes. If you can’t have that conversation without an argument, then you may need to talk with a counselor or start at complimenting their strengths first before talking about the weaknesses.

Finally, commit at the very least the principle of Philippians 4:8 to memory. Think about things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. You can choose what to focus on and what to criticize or celebrate. There really is a choice. Relationships can be healed and helped when we choose to be thankful for the way God made us rather than demanding that our partner be something else.

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