God's Desire for Husbands

Introduction

This section begins with the idea of mutual submission found in 5:18 in which the believers are told to be filled with the Spirit. As a result of being filled with the Spirit, the believers will communicate with each other through singing, being thankful, and submitting to one another because of their awe of Christ. This mutual submission spills over into the household rules which follow.

Mutual submission implies humility; a voluntary yielding to each other. This is only possible when one is filled with the Spirit. Paul discusses the roles of wife and husband in relationship with each other. The wife is compared to the church and the husband is compared to Christ. The wife/husband relationship is to mimic the relationship between the church and Christ.

Here is the interesting part. In verse 31, Paul quotes Genesis 2:24. The text which reveals God’s desire for marriage — a forsaking of another covenant for the loyalty of the covenant between husband and wife producing oneness. The couple is two distinct units who are cemented together. But Paul follows in verse 32 that this is a profound mystery. The word mystery as previously used means a secret which God has revealed. What is the secret? Paul says I am talking about Christ and the church. What is his point? Marriage is a representation of the relationship between Christ and the church.

In fact, the oneness between Christ and the church is found in the oneness between husband and wife. This is the mystery which only God can unveil. In some way, marriage looks like the relationship between Christ and the church. In some way, marriage’s intimacy is a reflection of the intimacy between Christ and the church. The covenant of marriage is similar to the covenant between Christ and the church. Paul’s use of Genesis 2:24 is to give fuller meaning of God’s intent for marriage. On this earth, it is marriage which allows for us to gain insight to the closeness of the relationship between Christ and the church.

Context

Paul is writing to a group of 1st century believers who are trying to understand who they are in this world. Changing their lives is difficult. Their culture demands certain practices and attitudes which are not easily given up. To live as children of light (5:8) means that many things must change. Instead of being filled with wine which leads to debauchery, they are to be filled with the Spirit. As a result of the Spirit’s indwelling these believers would communicate to one another through singing, constantly giving thanks to God for their new life, and engage in mutual submission.

This Spirit filled life would not only affect their corporate life, it would also affect their family life. Paul demonstrates how living as children of light looks in marriage, in parenting, and in regards to masters and slaves. These instructions would have been profoundly different. In the 1st century, men had most of the power. While there were wealthy women who wielded power within the family structure, the man was clearly in charge. Paul’s instructions about mutual submission in verse 21 would have sounded quite upside down in the 1st century.

So would have the instructions to the husband to love. Husbands did love their wives but husbands in the 1st century had an inordinate amount of power. Much more power than in our culture and time. Husbands could decide if children lived or died. Husbands could decide if marriages continued or not. Husbands ruled their households. Power was theirs. Wives had their own forms of power but husbands ruled. Paul enters into this marital relationship with a focus on mutual submission seen from the corporate side and now as seen from the personal side.

The Text

In verse 23, Paul says the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. This role of leader is often scorned in our culture today. By head, Paul has precisely the idea of leader. He is going to define what this leadership looks like and acts like. But before we leave this idea of leader, let’s look briefly at Genesis 3. Sin entered through our world with the temptation to put our own thoughts and ideas on the throne rather than remaining obedient servants to God. This temptation is the same for us all. Our sin invariably leads us to the idea that we are god and know better than anyone else what we need.

Notice, however, that the sin enters through the action of the woman. She takes the fruit and eats of it first. The man then eats after her. He, too, sins but it is the woman who sins first. Notice verse 9. When God enters the garden to talk with his creation, the man and the woman hide from God. But God calls to the man. “Where are you?” God talks to the man. It is in this very conversation which demonstrates God’s view of leadership. He holds the man responsible and accountable for what has happened and to answer his questions. If we are to understand that the man is head of the woman and understand the significance of leadership then one point that must be stressed is that the man is ultimately held responsible for what happens in his marriage and his family. This responsibility is not to be taken lightly by either the man or the woman.

Look at how Paul fleshes out the responsibility of the husband beginning in verse 25. The husband is to love his wife. The word “agape” carries the idea of sacrificial service. He is to think of his wife’s needs rather than his own. He is to have a preference for what is best for her than to prefer to do what is best for himself. This love flies in the face of the historical context. As we mentioned earlier, men were given power to do as he wished with his family and his life. But Paul calls on him to love. But not any kind of love will do. He must love as Jesus loved the church.

This sacrificial love was not about what pleased Jesus but that which would exalt and bring the church into existence. The call of being a husband is often said to be willing to die for your wife. I would suggest that dying for your wife may be easy. It is loving her when she is completely unloving that is the real challenge. When Jesus gave his life, those who claimed to love him left him, shunned him, denied him, and ran away from him. Yet he loved anyway. This is the call of being a husband. To love when our wife pushes us away; when she nags us; when she acts in unloving ways. We still want what is best for her and act accordingly. This is leadership. It is to love just as Jesus loved the one who disrespects.

But Paul doesn’t just call on us to love. He gives us three reasons for the love that Christ had for the church. In the NIV this is a bit difficult to see because there is a word that isn’t translated. The word “in order that” is left untranslated.

At the beginning of verse 26 “in order that she might be sanctified.” Christ gave himself for the church in order to set aside the church to God.

Second, at the beginning of verse 27 “in order that he might present the church to himself, glorious.” Once sanctified, the church then becomes glorious. The idea of present is a marriage image. In ancient days, the bride would prepare herself for marriage and then the bridegroom would present her to his father. In this case, Christ prepares the bride in order to present the bride to himself. The church is then Christ’s bride. This same image is presented in Ezekiel 16.

Third, Paul says that the church will not be tainted in any way. Without spot or blemish, but “in order that it may be holy and blameless.” Jesus gave himself in order to sanctify the church; the sanctified church is to be presented to himself in her full glory; this glorious church will be holy and blameless. Do not miss this.

Jesus is the one who sets us apart for God and he is the one who makes us glorious and he is the one who makes us holy. The holiness of God is seen in our relationship with Christ by the power of Christ. This is how Paul began his letter in 1:4. God chose us to be holy and blameless. This comes through the divine favor of God through Christ.

Verse 28, in this same way, husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church. As verse 29 demonstrates, the husband is to feed or nourish and care for his wife. The word “nourish” suggests all facets of his wife’s life. He is to nurture or provide for his wife. The word is used again in 6:4 to describe how fathers are to “bring them up” in the Lord. The second word “care” means to cherish and to give warmth to. It is the idea of tenderly caring for your wife.

Application

Two lessons. Leadership is not telling another person what to do but to love the other person with the heart of a servant. The husband is to love even if his wife is unlovable. To care about another person with this kind of love demands giving of self; diminishing self for another. As soon as a man says “I am the leader of the home and you must listen to me” he ceases to be the leader. He may be a dictator but a leader he is not. What does this love look like?

It looks like the husband is determined to give spiritual and moral direction in life. It looks like the husband who is the first to suggest spiritual solutions and who is so committed to the word that he will bring spiritual ideas to the home.

It looks like the husband who provides for his wife physically refusing to be selfish so that she can have financial security.

It looks like the husband who protects his wife from being demeaned and cheapened. He is the first to get rid of that which demeans his wife including getting rid of Internet if such leads him to lust after other women; choosing entertainment which does not demean his wife; nor allowing outsiders to undermine his wife’s confidence.

It looks like the husband who has enough of a spine to share with his wife tender words of care while carefully explaining his thoughts and intentions so that his wife will understand.

Second, this text and lesson is for men not for women. The woman who goes home to say to her husband “did you hear what Dana said today” disrespects her husband and treats him like a child instead of God’s leader. God has to work on the heart of the man who wants to listen to the challenge of God. For a wife to demand that her husband become a leader is to void his leadership. It is like demanding spontaneity. Once demanded it is never spontaneous. The husband cannot lead when his wife keeps telling him to lead. Pray for your husband. Soften your heart toward him and quit expecting perfection. Celebrate the times when he tries and encourage those times that he comes close.

Ladies who are thinking of marriage should look for a man who has some understanding of this text. Not perfection but understanding that real leadership is found in serving.

What kind of men do we want?

We need men like Moses who is called the meekest man on earth Numbers 12:3 but who melted the golden calf and forced the people to drink it when God’s honor was at stake.

ii. We need men like Joshua and Caleb who stood against the pressure of their peers and fought for God and who after 40 years of suffering the consequences of others’ decisions came out fighting to claim what was theirs.

iii. We need men like Barnabas who encouraged people financially and spiritually. Who took a villain like Paul and vouched for him and then stood his ground even when it meant that Paul rejected him fighting for Mark.

iv. We need men like David who could write a poem and kill a lion with his bare hands. A man like David who though undersized and undertrained took on the giant Goliath because God’s name was at stake.

We need men like Phineas, the grandson of Aaron in Numbers 25 who went to extreme measures to protect God’s name.

vi. We need men like Jesus who could hold a child on his lap and bless that child and with the same hands overturn tables in the temple and use whips to chase ungodly men out of the temple because God’s name was being dishonored.

vii. We need men who will shepherd with care but who will not back down to uphold God’s name and honor.

viii. We need men who understand that finding the balance to be gentle requires an equal determination to be God’s man. With the ability to focus and be responsible we do so with courage and determination to provide, protect, to care and to keep going when others are discouraged.

ix. And we need women who will support and encourage these men.

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