Forgiveness

They were clearly upset

Both had spent the past 10 minutes pouring out their anger toward each other. Neither wanted to admit fault. Both blamed the other for their problems. The pattern was clearly established—coming close to admitting that something needed to change only to recoil in bitterness because of the failure of the other. They were both deeply hurt. Expectations had not been met. Good feelings about each other were lost in the regret of being married. Both had expressed that they were no longer a “fit.” The only thing that mattered was being right and getting the other to admit error and sin. Even when one admitted that a mistake had been made, the other used the admission as a club to resoundingly beat the other up verbally. Such reactions only resulted in more anger and the cycle started again.

They both claimed to love God, Jesus, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit but their unholy words dripped with sarcasm and venom. They were not interested in healing. They were interested in winning and winning meant destroying the other. They were only interested in crushing the other, but destroying the other did not bring satisfaction nor an end to the anger. If anything winning a position only heightened the desire to destroy the other. Questions about their desire to heal the relationship was met with resistance and a vague promise to try if the other changed first.

That scene is played out in counselor’s offices time and again. A counselor who follows Jesus knows that forgiveness is needed, but in this state couples do not want to hear of forgiveness. They want justice. They demand retribution. Their words are intended to inflict maximum punishment. It is a sad scene. Even after the divorce, each one still rails against the other never willing to concede any part in the severing of the relationship.

The Difficulty of Forgiveness

I am intrigued by the act of forgiveness. We know forgiveness is expected of us, but we have a difficult time letting go of the wrongs done against us. Why is it so hard to forgive? Why is it that when we have been hurt deeply that we find it so difficult to forgive the person who hurt us? Why is it that we want forgiveness when we mess up but are so reluctant to give it when it is required?

The Key to Family

I do not want to leave you waiting for the punchline of this lesson, so let me state it on the front end—the key to any family is forgiveness. Some will say it is communication and indeed that is invaluable. Some will say it is recreation, prayer, or even learning to fight fair. All of these and any other concept has a role to play in family harmony. But the key to family is forgiveness. It is the ability to deal with sin in any form and find ways to move on. I will be the first to admit that some things are easier to forgive than others. But we are not here to establish a hierarchy of forgiveness. Learning to forgive can save a marriage and heal a family. We endorse forgiveness. We talk about God forgiving us. We encourage each other to forgive. The real difficulty comes in practicing that which we know is what God wants. It is like the man who loved dogs. He served as a speaker in various civic clubs to benefit the SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals). I want to make forgiveness concrete.

Imperfect People in Imperfect Relationships

Everyone is imperfect. Imperfect people can only make imperfect marriages and relationships. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days your relationship clicks and there are days when it seems that the two of you are far apart. There are days when you can’t see each other enough and there are day when you don’t want to see each other at all. No relationship is good all the time and no relationship is bad all the time. So we avoid words like “always” and “never.” We never argue is just as incomprehensible as we never get along. “Sometimes I hate you but always I love you.”

Genesis 3: Sin Enters the First Relationship

Turn to Genesis 3. In Genesis 2 we find the meeting between the first man and woman. It is a meeting of excitement and gratefulness. But when we come to chapter 3, sin enters their relationship. What is the woman’s sin? Some may say that it is eating the forbidden fruit and that is certainly the expression of her sin. But her sin is a reminder of our own sin. All sin is a desire to be God. We want to call the shots. We want to be in the position of being in control. While the woman sins in eating the fruit, the expression of that sin comes from a heart that is set on being God. And with sin, we believe ourselves to be God even though we are not.

Isn’t this what the serpent promised the woman? She would know good and evil. But didn’t the woman already know good and evil? Hadn’t God already told her about good and evil? But to know good and evil by herself was a promise that God wasn’t needed any longer. God is displaced and the woman is now in control.

Then the man shares in the woman’s sin. He, too, eats the fruit. The result—loneliness and isolation. The very thing that the woman was to alleviate becomes the reality. The man was lonely without the woman and now the man is lonely with the woman. This is the effect of sin in every relationship and in every family. Instead of being a helper for the man, the man and woman seek ways to serve themselves rather than each other. The man blames the woman and the woman blames the serpent and neither regards the other with joy. Trust is broken.

Every family has experienced this in some form. Maybe it was a major difficulty or maybe it was petty. It doesn’t matter. Sides are drawn and each side believes the other ought to give in. Nobel Laureate Gabriel Garcia Marquez portrays a marriage that disintegrates over a bar of soap in Love in the Time of Cholera. The couple lives in the same house but in separate bedrooms because neither is willing to admit the truth. She, in her pride, refused to admit that the soap was not there one day. He, in his pride, refused to admit that it was only one day.

John 8:1-11: The Woman Caught in Adultery

Look at John 8:1-11. Those who engage in sexual relations with one who is not their spouse may have some shame about what they are experiencing, but shame is heightened when one is caught in the very act. The woman is brought to Jesus for judgment. A ruling is sought. The word for “brought” is used in a variety of ways. Sometimes it is passive meaning to point in the direction of something and expect the person to follow. It can also be used actively to mean to attach a person to another so that a person is forcefully led to a place. In this case, the word is often used of animals “brought” to a place. Do you think this woman is brought passively or actively? She is dragged to Jesus. Shame deepens her eyes. How did the leaders know to wait in the shadows of the bedroom for the deed to be done? My guess—a man that she trusted betrayed her. She is an object. She is evidence. She is not human.

Jesus’ response—let the sinless one throw the first stone. There are times I long to be like Jesus. This would have been one of those times. Even if I were to try to be like Jesus in this situation, I would argue a point. I would try to persuade against such objectifying of a person. Jesus doesn’t do that. He doesn’t even address the woman. He address the accusers. He personalizes the situation—not for the woman but for the accusers. He doesn’t object to her treatment directly. He instead proposes that the perfect person must begin the task of stoning her. He doesn’t disagree with the law; he proposes that the law can only be carried out by sinless people. Nor is he establishing for all time that we overlook sin. Quite the contrary. He tells the woman to stop sinning.

What Jesus does is take the objective and make it subjective. What he does is refuse to allow the hidden agendas to drive the actions. He knows these accusers are playing games with a person’s life. This isn’t a legitimate argument about the law. The objectified person serves only to destroy Jesus. So as Jesus often does he brings the hidden motives to light. Stone her if you want, but at least let’s make this a fair trial. Instead of putting the woman on the stand, he forces the accusers to testify to their worthiness to throw the first stone and the standard is set objectively high—perfection.

And with the realization that no one is perfect, the accusers leave the scene. Only Jesus and the woman remain. Jesus asks, “Where is everyone?” Can’t you see the wry smile on his face. He saw the feet turn away and leave. He could see the dust caused by shuffling feet. He is not oblivious to the surroundings. And when he stands up, he looks at the woman with that wry smile and dark eyes that penetrate to the soul. “Did your accusers condemn you?” “They have gone,” she replies with great hesitation. Go and sin no more.

Forgiveness

If you are the woman, you want forgiveness. If you are the accuser you want the law to be carried out. When it is our sin that is on display we want everyone to feel our shame and to have mercy on us. When it is another’s sin on display we demand more. We demand better. We expect perfection. And Jesus words should resound in our hearing—“If you are sinless then by all means condemn the person.” Forgiveness is about remembering your own sin. Forgiveness is about remembering that perfection isn’t ours nor does it belong to anyone else.

Someone says, “I would never commit such a heinous sin like adultery. I would never do that and she should have paid for her sin.” Good for you. I am truly grateful that this sin will not befall you. Could the sin of pride be yours? Could you suffer from an incurable case of self-righteousness? Forgiveness does not mean that we overlook the sin or do not hold people accountable. But we do so recognizing that what we want when we sin is what we should be willing to give another who also seeks to be forgiven.

Jesus was compassionate without sentimentality. He demanded better, but he didn’t condemn. But someone says, “You don’t understand how hurt I have been.” You are right. I don’t understand your level of hurt. Hurt is personal and is deeply felt. Have you ever hurt anyone? Did you understand the amount of pain that person felt for the hurt you caused? What did you want from that person? Understanding? Reconciliation? Mercy?

This all sounds good, but it is one of the most difficult things we will choose to do as followers of God. Some will say after holding on to the bitterness and anger of hurt they will forgive because it will make the person feel better. I will forgive you for me not for you. The intent is to no longer allow the bitterness and anger to rule your life. But the sentiment is a bit self-centered. It sounds good and it is true to a point but as followers we forgive not only for what it will do for me but because we want the other person to be free as we have been set free from our sin because of God’s forgiveness. If the best we can do is forgive to adjust our attitude then that’s a good start. If we want to honor God then we must find a way to set others free just as God has set us free. Think about Jesus on the cross. His words of forgiveness was not about his anger and bitterness but a true desire to have those who killed him released from their sin. What would it take for you to release another person to experience real freedom from their sin?

How to Deal With Separation and Loneliness

So what do we do? When sin enters our family, separation and loneliness comes with it. At times our first inclination is to retaliate, to hurt in return. This may be more true with spouses than with children, but isolation comes with sin. How can we deal with the separation and loneliness? Walter Wangerin calls this process “The Divine Absurdity.” Jesus entered the world to buy us back from sin and to forgive. Forgiveness is irrational and unwise as the world reasons. Forgiveness omits the step of retaliation in order for healing to begin. Thoughts:

Forgiveness begins when we understand our own humanity and allow others to be human as well.

Forgiveness does not mean you forget, but it does mean that you don’t use the sin as a battering ram against your spouse.

Forgiveness continues when we admit that how God has treated us is to be the way we treat others.

Forgiveness includes holding people accountable while being merciful.

Forgiveness also takes time. Perhaps all you can offer is that you have the desire to forgive but the pain is so deep that it will take time. But then take every thought captive so that you do not harbor bitterness and anger. Spend hours in prayer.

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