Fight Fair

Introduction

When we are in relationships, conflict is inevitable. And when conflict arises we must learn how to fight with decency and a sense of fair play. When children fight they are mean spirited. They say things designed to win the contest. They verbally fight so as to inflict as much pain as possible before the other one gets started. The elements of relationship are suspended when conflict arises. Trust, respect, and love are shelved for the win-at-all-costs mentality in a conflict. Tonight we learn how to fight fair. When conflict arises within a congregation what are we going to do to preserve relationship even as we deal with the conflict. By the way, what is suggested tonight will actually work in any relationship.

Rules for Fighting Fair

Stay in Control

Ephesians 4:26 tells us that we can be angry. It isn’t wrong to be angry, but what we do with that anger determines our sin. Anger can lead to sin if we allow it to control us rather than controlling it. When we get angry we lose reason and restraint. When we allow our anger to control us then we allow sin to creep into our conflicts. It is possible to remain in control of your anger.

Be aware of getting hot. Take an emotional inventory. When you begin to feel angry, take a deep breath. Don’t hold it. Few things help solve conflict when we are hyperventilating and angry at the same time. Speak softly and allow the volume of your voice to remain soft without rising to pound your point home. Take a break. No one says we have to settle the conflict immediately. Back away and agree to discuss the issue later. Don’t allow the anger to urge you to settle the conflict. Express that you are getting hot and that you need the break to calm down. When our anger is in control, disaster is on the way. When we control our anger, conflict can be beneficial.

Leave the Past Behind

Nothing escalates a conflict than bringing up the past. Past hurts, past demonstrations of poor judgment, and past conflicts brought up in a present conflict will destroy any chance of resolution. We can keep from bringing up the past if we will remember to stick with the current issue. Other conflicts, even those which seem to be related, are really not the issue at the moment. Don’t kill a fly with a shotgun. The color of carpet in the auditorium is not worth the emotional investment to destroy relationship. Excessive emotional distress is probably a sign that the past is still bothering you.

Give Positive Strokes

Always begin with appreciation. No conflict demands that we see only the negative in a person. Take a few moments and express your appreciation for the person with whom you disagree. You are siblings in the Lord. There is surely something worthwhile in the person beyond the conflict. Don’t use the positive strokes to manipulate the situation. That is not like Jesus. There is no reason for a conflict to make us forget the commands to build each other up and to be kind and compassionate with each other. Appreciation leads to relationship remaining intact after the conflict is done.

If you read 1 Corinthians, you will be amazed at the amount of conflict which is going on within the body of Christ in Corinth and between Paul and the church. However, how does Paul begin that letter? “To the church of God in Corinth, to those sanctified and called to be holy. I always thank God for you because of His grace given you in Christ Jesus.” If we had written the letter we might have started with “Dear Jerks. I’ve had it with you. How can you call yourself Christian?” Paul is going to deal with some serious issues but he is going to start with the reminder that they belong to God. He affirms his commitment to them first. He assures them that he regards them as siblings in the Lord.

Conflicts will result in greater relationship when they are framed in a context of shared commitment, respect, and faith in God and each other. When we take the time to verbally affirm each other, the issue can be discussed with an eye toward resolution.

Fix the Problem, Not the Blame

When there is an issue we want to assess blame. We want to pin the problem on someone or something. Adam blamed Eve and God. Eve blamed God and the serpent. Neither took responsibility for their part in the sin. Assessing blame may make us feel better but it doesn’t lead to resolution of the problem. Assessing blame leads to people being defensive and withdrawing while the problem still exists.

Take stock of your role in the problem. Concentrate on the way you have contributed to the problem and determine to make it right. Look for your own beam in your eye before looking for the speck in your sibling’s eye. Focus on solutions by asking often “what can we do to solve this issue?” rather than seeking a person to blame. If there is blame to be assessed make sure you give as much mercy as you would like to receive when you are to blame for the problem.

Don’t Be a Mind Reader

In any issue we assume we know what the other person is thinking and feeling. Mind reading means that we have quit listening. The single most important tool we can bring to any conflict is a listening ear. Listening means that we hear what the other person is saying and try to understand their perspective. Listening does not mean that we agree with the other point of view, but it does mean that we respect the other person enough to understand what is being said. If we are not willing to hear the other side, then how can we expect the other side to hear us? Solomon said, “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). James tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).

Let others talk. Make a conscious effort to close your mouth and open your ears. We cannot talk and listen at the same time. Concentrate on what is being said. Think about what is being said. Avoid the trap of formulating your thoughts to express rather than really hearing what is said. Summarize what you heard. This allows you to verify what you heard and it also demonstrates that you are trying to understand.

Leave Off the Labels

How easily labels come to our lips in the heat of battle. When logic is in short supply, we can peg people. Liberal, conservative, heretic, hypocrite—or some biblical labels like tax collector, sinner, drunkard, glutton—or a name or two for Jesus like demon possessed or raving mad. We are apt to call names when we are deeply frustrated. Names may win arguments but they will not create harmony.

No Low Blows

Each of us has vulnerable points—areas that are particularly sensitive emotionally and psychologically. These are our Achilles heels. Touch or hit them and we crumple. And when we are in relationship with others, there are times that we allow our vulnerable areas to be known. Such knowledge if abused reduces relationships to a win/lose proposition. Some things are so sensitive, so hurtful, that using those things to win an argument is similar to intentionally breaking bones.

Consider church leaders in the New Testament. Many had pasts which are not worth bragging about. Peter’s denial, John’s hot headedness, Paul’s persecution, John Mark’s failure—what if they had been constantly reminded of their failures? Great failures did not disqualify them from great service. When we hit at sensitive areas we destroy. And the person who has been deeply wounded by a low blow may forgive but may never trust again. He or she may remain for worship but may have difficulty relating. He may be our brother but he may never be our friend.

The Real Victory

A real victory occurs when we respect one another sufficiently to fight fairly. At the end of a conflict we still want to be able to hug one another. Reread 1 Peter 3:8–12.

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