Covenant of Marriage

Introduction

So let’s start at the beginning. How many have been married 10 years or less? 20 or less? 30 or less? Imagine your wedding day. Go back and relive it. See in your mind the decorations, the people, the venue, hear the music, remember how nervous and excited you were, feel your heart beat increase, see the tears, experience the happiness.

See if you know these lyrics.

We’ve only just begun to live — White lace and promises — A kiss for luck and we’re on our way. Before the risin’ sun, we fly — So many roads to choose — We’ll start out walkin’ and learn to run. Sharing horizons that are new to us — Watching the signs along the way. Talkin’ it over, just the two of us. Workin’ together day to day. And when the evening comes, we smile. So much of life ahead — We’ll find a place where there’s room to grow (And yes, we’ve just begun).

A beautiful song. We had it sung at our wedding. Popular song choice in our day. Romanticizes the whole notion of what married life will be like.

How did life change from your wedding day? You had dreams. You had expectations. You imagined what life would be like. How long before all of that shifted? How long before the expectations were not met and the image that you had dimmed?

If you could give one piece of advice to a couple planning to marry, what would it be?

A Cautionary Tale

Many years ago, I did a wedding for a couple. They had dreams and visions of married life. But like so many couples, life smacked them pretty hard especially financially. About 5 years into their marriage they came to see me for marriage counseling. Financially they were in deep trouble. Bankruptcy was on the horizon. Trying to make it work. He was working two full-time jobs. She was working and then taking care of a baby after work. To say that stress was their constant companion would be an understatement. They argued regularly. They didn’t have kind words for each other. They rarely spent time together. The idea was he would work 2 full-time jobs for no more than 2 years then their financial troubles would be over. But in that 2 year time frame their marriage was suffering even more. I knew their marriage was deeply troubled when he asked his wife to get up with him at 5 a.m. to have a cup of coffee together before he left for his first job and she refused because she needed her sleep.

Starting Over with Genesis

Dreams. Expectations. Visions. All gone. So how do begin the process of viewing our marriage realistically and hopefully? Let’s start with Genesis 2.

Creation

Let’s begin with Genesis 2. God has created a man. The man is given work, food, and a place to live. But in this setting the man’s loneliness is highlighted. Relationship is missing. And so God brings all the animals to the man to name them. This naming process gives dominion but it also reveals that no suitable helper is found for Adam. This experience amplifies the man’s loneliness and it prepares him to receive God’s gift — a helper suitable for him. Just as a side note the word helper is the same word as used in other texts to describe God. Thus, this helper is not inferior to the man any more than God is inferior when helping.

The text tells us that this helper is brought to the man and we have the first recorded words spoken by Adam. The words are spoken not in deep reverence but in exaltation and thankfulness. His words are covenant words. The same phrasing is used in 2 Samuel 5:1 when the tribes of Israel came to David at Hebron to express their loyalty to him. They collectively said “We are your own flesh and bone (NIV translates blood).” Adam’s statement to the woman is a statement of loyalty. Of a “no matter what” we are together.

And then we are given the words of 2:24 which is the author’s explanation of marriage. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” The word “leave” is the word “forsake.” It is the word that is used to describe Israel’s rejection of the covenant with God. And the word “united” is the word “cling” which is used to designate the maintenance of the covenant. We have covenant language in these two verses. The man’s statement of covenant and loyalty. And then God’s pronouncement of marriage as a leaving behind the parental relationship and the forming of a new covenant with a spouse. With this new covenant comes oneness. Understood to be brought about through sexual union but more than that. This oneness is found in the merger of lives in all ways. Two distinct people who are in covenant to one another. This was God’s intent and still is God’s desire.

Expectations and Culture

How you view your marriage in terms of expectations and desires, affects your emotions about your marriage. There are cultures that have parent-arranged marriages. Those marriages tend to be highly successful in terms of longevity. It is interesting that in parent-arranged marriages the concept of “happy” is not often engaged. Why? Because marriage is viewed differently. Marriage is viewed as the means to have children and companionship. Marriage is viewed as the means to carry on family traditions.

In cultures where we get to choose our mate (like ours) then marriage is viewed differently. Marriage is about happiness and growth and satisfaction. This hasn’t always been true. Go back 150 years and marriage also carried the idea of having children but today with half of all births outside of marriage then marriage is no longer required for having children. Companionship can be experienced through cohabitation rather than marriage. So now marriage is about happiness and finding your soulmate and in our culture a highly romanticized view.

Here’s the point. If you choose your spouse, that means you also get to choose how you respond to your spouse. Even in parent-arranged marriages, couples choose to accept and learn to love each other if not romantically then practically.

You can choose how you respond to your spouse. You can choose to be happy. You can choose to be grateful. Go back in your mind to the dating phase of your relationship. There were characteristics that appealed to you. Are they gone? Or have you chosen to emphasize other things over those characteristics?

Practical Point Number One: Choose Gratitude

Practical point number 1. Look for things in your spouse that will allow you to be grateful. Speak about such things. Write a love letter to your spouse. Send them a card in the mail. If your boss chews you out, how do you respond? What makes marriage different? You can choose what you focus on.

John Gottman, renowned marriage therapist, says that couples need to keep the 5 to 1 model. Five compliments or five good things to every negative. Most couples don’t come close to following this model or they do but it is the other way around — 5 negative to 1 positive. You choose what to focus on. Someone says, “if you lived with my spouse, you wouldn’t be saying such things.” Think of it this way. You didn’t wake up one morning and say “I am going to think negatively about my spouse.” It happened over time. One slight got you going. One comment hit you wrong. What did you do? Initially ignored it, but with repetition something began to bubble up inside of you. You quit ignoring and started focusing on it and then added to the list. You can do the same thing in reverse. Focus on something positive and start adding to it. Someone says but you don’t know what my spouse has done. I can’t see the positive.

Maybe that is true. Maybe the hurt is so deep that you find it difficult to focus on anything positive. So let’s talk about forgiveness a little bit now and even more tomorrow. Would it be fair to say that forgiveness is the key to a relationship? Would it be fair to say that there has been a time in your life that you needed forgiveness? Would it be fair to say that when that time occurred that somehow the person forgave you and the relationship restarted? How did that happen? If you can think about how it happened, maybe you can apply those same principles here. The reality is that forgiveness is not just about the other person, ultimately forgiveness demonstrates your character. God forgave you. Did he do that because you asked enough? Did he do that because you got better in a hurry? Did he do that because of something you did or was forgiveness about his character? You are made in God’s image and whatever that may mean in its fullness, it definitely includes that God’s traits are in you.

What You Can Control

Second way we view our marriage more realistically and hopefully is a corollary to the above point. Not only can you choose your view, you also choose who you can control. You cannot control your spouse. If you asked your spouse to do something and the spouse did, do you think you controlled your spouse? Couldn’t the spouse just as easily not done it? Then what happens?

So let’s go a little deeper. When you don’t like something about your spouse and you ask for change, what is the message that you give to your spouse? I know there are things that your spouse needs to change. Just as there are things you need to change. But what if you got the message regularly “I don’t like you the way you are.” What would that message do to you? To your marriage?

Sue Johnston tells the story of her husband’s death after 46 years of marriage. Every Valentine’s day he always gave her a bouquet of flowers. Upon his death, here is what Sue wrote: “Four children, 46 bouquets and a lifetime of love were his legacy to me when he passed away. On my first Valentine’s Day…ten months after I lost him, I was shocked to receive a gorgeous bouquet from my husband. Angry and heartbroken, I called the florist to say that there had been a mistake. The florist responded, “No ma’am, it’s not a mistake. Before he passed away, your husband prepaid for many years and asked us to guarantee that you’d continue getting bouquets every Valentine’s Day.”

The attached card read, “My love for you is eternal.” Some of you are thinking that’s so sweet. Other may be thinking my spouse would never do that. Maybe a few may be thinking “let’s see what my spouse does when he dies.”

Go back to your dating days. There were qualities about your spouse that you liked. So let’s start this dating thing again — what are the 4 top qualities of your spouse? Write them down. Think about them. Choose to appreciate those more than trying to change the ones you don’t like. Quit trying to control your spouse through criticizing and correcting. Do you really like that for yourself? What makes you think your spouse will like it?

Strengthening Your Marriage

So what can we do in more specific ways to strengthen our marriage.

Learn to have fun again. Think of things you enjoy doing as a person. Compare lists. Find something that is fun for both of you. Play games. Walk. Explore museums. Try new restaurants. Read a book together and discuss it. Go serve another family. Entertain more. It is hard to believe how many couples forget to have fun. They get so busy with life that fun gets left out.

Get Less Busy. So what are the signals that we are too busy?

Clutter. House, desk, car, life. Too much clutter can be a sign that you are too busy to do even the easiest of tasks.

Believing that without you things will crash or stop

Claiming to be a multi-tasker.

Superficial relationships. Not just with your spouse but with others.

What to do?

Learn to say no. This is not easy. Saying no can put us in the position of disappointing others. Only you know how much time you have to commit and how much energy each commitment takes. If you find yourself feeling the pressure of time, maybe you are too busy. (Ill. My son at 7 asking me about going out again.)

Disconnect. Put the phone down. Turn off the TV. Close the computer. Focus on your spouse. We look at our phones 85x a day. At the end of your work day make a commitment to do less work and less blue screen engagement. In 2008 in Los Angeles, CA a Metrolink commuter train collided head on with a Union Pacific freight train in a blind curve. The engineer of the commuter train, 46-year-old Robert Sanchez was held responsible. 25 people including Sanchez died. When the NTSB investigated their findings were clear and unequivocal. Robert Sanchez was clearly at fault. He didn’t see the signals warning him to stop. The commuter train was traveling at 40 mph at the time of the collision. The Union Pacific engineer hit his emergency brakes 2 seconds before impact. Robert Sanchez is sending and receiving text messages in the minutes leading up to impact. That’s the reason he didn’t see the red signal that told him to stop. Robert Sanchez sent his last text message 22 seconds before impact.

Start small. Give your spouse 1% of your day. Willard Harley says couples need 15 hours/week of uninterrupted time together. Like many couples we may think that is impossible. So let’s start small. Give your spouse 1% of your day without distraction. Without interruption. What’s 1%. 24 hours in a day. 60 minutes in an hour. That’s 1440 minutes in a day. 1% is 14.4 minutes. Be generous. Make it 15. Wasn’t that what my counseling couple was asking for? A cup of coffee at 5 a.m. may not sound like a fun thing to do. Is it fun for a person to start their day knowing it will not end for 18 hours later? He was asking for 15 minutes. Not for sex, but to connect.

Follow Jesus

If you’d like to respond to this message or learn more about following Jesus, please reach out.