Conflict

“And they lived happily ever after.” Where do these words come from? What do they suggest as you think about marriage? Why do we call a fairy tale by that name?

Conflict is Inevitable

Conflict is inevitable. The image of two people walking off into the sunset to enjoy an idyllic life, is one of Satan’s lies. We romanticize marriage and then we tend to believe the fantasy and are surprised by the reality. Are you ever surprised by how different you and your spouse are? Things that seemed to be slightly endearing when you were dating has turned to something despised and rejected. Getting married amplifies the differences. Some you knew about; others you had no idea until you were married. When Barbara and I were first married we lived in a small 2 bedroom apartment. One of our major differences were unknown to us until we got married. The whole time we dated, I got up at 3 a.m. to go to work. I would work till around 6 or 7 then go to college and then in the afternoon go back to work many days. Barbara likes to stay up late. I’m an early riser. Barbara likes to sleep in. I’m an early riser. Sleeping late for me is 6 a.m. But by 10 p.m., I’m ready to go to bed. Barbara’s just getting wound up. So when we first got married, I was up early. She slept in or slept as late as she could and still get to work on time. I’m a morning person. Do you know what that means? I wake up without an alarm. I wake up in a good mood. I do not need a stimulant to get me going. I’m ready to go as soon as my feet hit the floor. So I’m in the bathroom of our small apartment and I am getting ready for the day and I’m whistling.

Differences are to be Celebrated

Differences are to be celebrated (although quietly) rather than undermined or criticized. The more you try to change your spouse, the more you will be dissatisfied and the same with your spouse—they are dissatisfied too. The message of trying to change someone is “I don’t like you.” So why do we try to change our spouse? Why do we insist that our spouse change some habit to make them more appealing to us? We all have habits or traits that need to change. If you are messy and do not clean up your own mess, then maybe that is something you need to work on. But people do not approach change in this manner. A spouse doesn’t usually start with “Honey, I need some help around here. Could you clean up after yourself?” Maybe it does start that way and nothing happens. What’s next? You tell me. You’ve been there. It escalates. The quiet, calm request becomes a bit more forceful. “Honey, I told you I needed some help around here. Clean up!” Then what happens if nothing changes? It escalates. But this time the escalation becomes more personal. “What did I tell you about needing help? Are you deaf or just determined to make my life more difficult?” Now what has happened. Rejection. Anger. Dissatisfaction. Disrespect. The heart is repelled from that which rejects it.

Do you understand? The truth is we try to change our spouse for any number of reasons but our attempts to change our spouse are met with failure. The result is dissatisfaction and a crack in our marriage. None of us are perfect. I listen to couples tell me what is wrong with their spouse. She talks. He hears it. He blows up and points out all her disgusting traits and habits. She hears it and piles on leaving no stone unturned. He hears it and defends himself and then one of them offers the ultimate hurt. It’s said in a variety of ways. I hate you. No wonder people told me not to marry you. You are just like your … Ouch!! We are broken. We are selfish. We are prideful. We seek change from our spouse and ignore the change that we can make in our own lives. We think our “stuff” is small compared to our spouse not realizing that your spouse’s small stuff is where this started. We think our lives would be better if only… If only she would have sex more often. If only he would compliment me more. If only she would stop spending money like it grows on trees. If only he would talk to me with more than grunts and nods. The “if only” thinking gets us moving toward encouraging our spouse to change.

Mutual Submission and Responsibility

So let’s go to Ephesians 5 briefly. So let’s just answer on simple question.

The passage begins in verse 21 with the call to engage in mutual submission. The word submission is in verse 21 but not in verse 22. This is how we know these two verses go together and how we also know that whatever we say about submission must apply to both the wife and the husband.

Here’s the question—what are the conditions required for the wife and the husband to be submissive to each other? What conditions have to be met for the wife to be submissive to her husband and for the husband to love his wife?

This is the way people hear it. She says, “I can be submissive to my husband when I know how much he loves me.” He says, “I can love my wife when I see how she is willing to let me lead.” That’s conditional responses to the command to be mutually submissive. Where is that in the text? It’s found in verse 33—each husband must love his wife and each wife must respect her husband.

This is how each spouse gets out of this very straightforward command. Blame the other for sabotaging your responsibility. Shift the blame. “I can’t respect a man who doesn’t love me like I think he should.” “I can’t love a woman who treats me like I’m an afterthought.” Shall we go on? Don’t raise your hand. Do you see yourself?

I do. I can look back and excuse my terrible behaviors and words based on what Barbara did or didn’t do. Satan gets into our heads and convinces us that we have been mistreated (and we may have been) and that we don’t deserve that and that our spouse is intentionally trying to hurt us (and our spouse maybe) and we ought to fight back and… the lies just keep going. We are convinced then that our spouse needs to change for life to get better. Maybe what needs to change is more closely adhering to God’s desire for you. Love and Respect is your responsibility. Emerson Eggerichs book by the same title

Understanding the Conflict Cycle

Conflict within a marriage is inevitable. It is not a sign that something is wrong. Conflict occurs because of differences. Gottman based on his research says 69% of problems are not solvable. Differences are to be appreciated and celebrated but the reality is that differences rub us the wrong way and conflict arises. Perhaps it is a bit too simplistic an explanation. More to it than that, but for our purposes let’s consider what happens in conflict.

Two people disagree. Conflict doesn’t automatically mean fighting. But whenever there is conflict, the possibility exists that people get their feelings hurt. This is normal. Not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. But when hurt feelings arise, then comes fear. Relational fear includes rejection, disconnection, loss of control (so we try to control more), failure, a sense of worthlessness, unhappiness, and loss.

So let’s take a sense of worthlessness. In fear when a person feels worthless they are telling themselves “I’m not good enough.” or they might think “I have to be better.” or even more damaging “I have to be perfect.” Once fear occurs then we know that people respond in one of two ways—fight or flight.

So let’s review. Conflict is inevitable. Largely conflict arise from differences. When conflict arises, fear soon follows. When fear arises, fight or flight response kicks in. Now here’s the other part that we don’t think of. Fear begets fear. Your fear triggers the fear in your spouse and thus a cycle begins. It isn’t just that someone started the cycle. Not at all. The conflict arose and one person’s fear triggers the other and then that person’s fear triggers and deepens the first person’s fear which then triggers and deepens the second person’s fear which then leads to a spiral of fear and the conflict escalates because everyone is afraid.

In our fear—fight or flight—we either explode or implode. Feelings of worthlessness trigger an increase of fear. Explosion happens through anger, biting remarks, nagging, constant criticism, or in some way trying to get your spouse to give in. This explosion comes out of fear (worthlessness; I’m not good enough) and then what. The spouse who has been exploded on feels afraid too. The words dig deep and hurt and in their fear they explode or implode. Their explosion escalates the conflict. Now we have a shouting match. But what happens with implosion. The anger turns inward. The problem is swept under the rug or the anger turns inward and becomes guilt, shame, and greater sense of worthlessness. There is a relational disconnect. One is exploding but no resolution and thus they feel even more worthless. The other is imploding with no resolution and they are disconnected and rejected.

Identifying Your Fears

So here is the hard part. Trying to figure out your fears. Think back to your last conflict. What bothered you? Whey did you feel angry, hurt, or frustrated? Here are the top relational fears. This comes from Michael and Amy Smalley’s book Why Marriages Go Bad.

Being rejected	Being judged
Feeling disconnected	Feeling lonely
Feeling like a failure	Feeling powerless
Being misunderstood	Being invalidated
Feeling defective	Feeling inferior
Feeling worthless	Being devalued
Feeling humiliated	Being abandoned
Being unimportant	Being ignored
Being unwanted	Being disliked
Feeling I can’t trust others	Feeling unhappy

Can you identify what you are really afraid of? And then can you share that with your spouse? Can you talk about it? Can you remember it and not use it in conflict? In other words, can you choose more carefully your words in conflict so that you avoid the fear that your spouse feels? Knowing that fear you can then speak words outside of conflict that reassures and connects.

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