Ephesians 4:25-27
Conflict
Conflict in relationships and churches is inevitable. Rather than avoiding it, Christians should learn to handle disagreement with godly wisdom, anger, and love—distinguishing the church from the world not by the absence of conflict but by how it is managed.
Introduction
There is a saying in our culture that there are two things you can count on—death and taxes. Actually there are more than two. But as far as conditions which are constant with everyone those two certainly fit the bill. But one of the other things that we can count on is conflict. There are a few ways to avoid conflict, but I’m not sure any of those ways are preferred. If you are in relationship with anyone then you will sooner or later have a conflict. Anyone who says they have never had an argument in their life is either suffering from some form of dementia, a liar, or has no convictions.
What often happens especially within important relationships is that we don’t want conflict. We don’t want to have a disagreement with anyone. This may be especially true in congregations. We just don’t want to have an argument, conflict, or disagreement and as a result when such do occur we begin to think that something is wrong with the congregation or the people in it. The point of tonight’s lesson is really very simple. Conflict is inevitable. How we handle conflict matters most.
Conflict in Church
I don’t know that it is necessary to convince you that conflicts in the name of God have long been a part of life. Read through a good history of Christianity and there will not be many pages without some recognition of conflict. From the Crusades to the Inquisition and a whole lot more in between, conflict can be easily identified. Thankfully, we have come to a more civilized time. Thankfully, we don’t have the same kind of destructive conflict as was present in the Middle or Dark Ages of Christianity. Tell that to Catholic and Protestant families that still mourn the death of their sons and daughters in Ireland.
Our attempts to demonstrate the love of Christ has not always been successful. Our attempts to say that these examples reflect those who are not truly of the mind of Christ fall on deaf ears. The world is not able to make a distinction between those who say “Lord, Lord” and those who do what the Lord commands. Our profession of faith exposes us to being associated with those who act violently in the name of Jesus. But even if we could shake the guilt by association label with those who are not believers, conflict is still a very personal experience for most of us. Why else do we sing songs like “Angry Words” unless there is some relevancy to the words? Few congregations can claim a past unmarred by splits in the ranks. This congregation was started in 1959 after a split from another congregation. This congregation has its own sordid history. How many other congregations began as a result of a split rather than as an intentional attempt to further the kingdom?
Given all the abuses of past and present, it is no wonder that we want to avoid conflict as much as possible. But the truth is avoiding conflict as much as possible is not possible. The very nature of the church is that we deal with matters which are of eternal importance. We deal with themes which are near and dear to the heart of God. Dealing with such important issues means that there is inevitably going to be a difference of opinion. Conflict does not mean that we have suddenly left the will and desire of God. The presence of conflict does not mean that in some way we have lost our way on God’s path.
Look at the life of Jesus. He had conflicts with the religious leaders and in Matthew 23 said some things that were just not pleasant. His taking a whip to the money changers in the temple was not a nice stroll in the park. Do we think any less of Jesus because he expressed anger? Just a few weeks after the church’s beginning in Jerusalem, there was a conflict. Acts chapter 6 tells of the Grecian widows who were being left out in the daily distribution of food. A church-wide assembly brought the matter to a head and proper changes were made to avoid an ethnic split in the church. There was conflict between Jewish and Gentile elements in the church. Acts chapter 15 is the record of how that conflict was handled correctly with love and wisdom.
In that same chapter there is the record of a major conflict between Paul and Barnabas. And it wasn’t just a little spat. The two men who worked together in leading so many Gentiles to Jesus couldn’t agree on a traveling partner. Specifically, they couldn’t agree about John Mark. So great was the conflict that the two spiritual giants split. Was either less Christian because of the conflict? Both went on to perform useful work in God’s kingdom in spite of this dispute. There is no need to get into texts in Corinthians, Philippians, or Colossians. Conflicts abound. Believing that conflict shouldn’t happen in God’s family is unrealistic. Conflict will occur. Learning to manage conflict in a manner that looks like Jesus is the hardest thing of all. This is what distinguishes the church from the world—not the absence of conflict but the way conflict is handled.
Handling Conflict
The basis for much of our conflict avoidance is the belief that anger is wrong. Christians aren’t supposed to be angry—ever. There is little doubt that abusive anger has destroyed many a heart and ripped relationships apart. A passage like Matthew 5:21-22 is quoted with the point made with great vigor—Christians must not be angry with each other and if we do get angry with each other we are supposed to hold it in. But then we must line up Matthew 5 with a passage like Mark 3 in which Mark says that Jesus looked around at the group with anger. And Psalm 7:11 speaks of God’s anger. And then our text in Ephesians 4 hits us as well. “Be angry and sin not.”
Jesus warns against anger and then we see it in his life. Paul’s statement leaves no doubt that it is possible to be angry and not to sin. Anger itself is not wrong but what we do with our anger that may be sinful. Anger doesn’t have to give the Devil a foothold. Christians will experience anger. What we do with such an emotion spells the difference between righteousness and sin. In the same way, Jesus is concerned about what we do with our anger. As he explains we must settle matters quickly and we don’t insult people by calling them fools.
We are to handle anger in godly ways. We are to demonstrate how to constructively handle our anger. In fact, the proper handling of anger and conflict will result in two things. First, conflict strengthens relationships. Of course, conflict is at first threatening, but handled properly will result in a deepening of the relationship. Peter’s love for Jesus intensified after his angry denial than before. Paul’s appreciation for John Mark was deeper in the years that followed the conflict than before. Second, anger and conflict stir our understanding of the truth. Conflict means there is a difference of opinion or fact. Conflict allows all participants to reexamine the truth. Conflict arouses the energy and spiritual muscles necessary to stand for truth.
Someone has said that churches are in one of three stages: they are getting ready to fight, they are fighting, or they are getting over a fight. I’m not sure how accurate this is, but the truth is that conflict is going to arise. Relationship and conflict go hand in hand. Tell me of a relationship that hasn’t had conflict and someone in that relationship is dead. Why then are we surprised by conflict in a congregation? Why not recognize the inevitability of conflict among Christians? Expect conflict, but be committed to working things through. The real issue is not to learn how to avoid conflict but how to manage it. We cannot choose if we will have a conflict. We can choose resolution when conflict arises.
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