Communication

Introduction

Anytime a person is going to speak about communication in marriage or relationship, most are looking for answers that will result in deeper and more intimate talking; along with the feelings of emotional connection that follows. I take a very different view of communication. When couples come to me and say that their problem is a lack of communication, I try to help them see that their perceived problem is a symptom of a bigger problem. If one has a cough, a fever, and unable to breathe well, we say these are symptoms of an infection. Many times we will treat the symptoms and feel better, but the infection remains. The infection requires antibiotics. Our body cannot rid itself fully of the infection. It may recover for a brief time, but then the infectious bacteria multiply and the symptoms return again. Symptoms of a marriage that isn’t flourishing are not easily overcome. We try to deal with the symptoms by suggesting that the couple spend more time together or have a date night or try to focus on positive things, and while these things can temporarily help unless the infection is destroyed, the marriage will revert to old practices that are not helpful.

The Infection: Power vs. Service

Poor communication is a symptom of an underlying infection that must be eradicated. So let’s start with Matthew 20:20–28. Relationships exist in one of two ways—power or service. Power is the way of this world. Service is the way of Christ. A marriage built upon Christ has as its core service. A marriage built upon the principles of this world has at its core power and control. Even marriages built upon Christ make the mistake of playing power and control games with each other. What are some symptoms that relationships are playing power games? (Withdrawal, overspending, abuse, violence, withholding sexual relations, hypercriticism, demanding perfection, poor communication skills).

Gender Differences in Communication

As we have already seen women affiliate through talking. Women communicate in order to network; men communicate in order to compete. In groups men talk more to accomplish something. While men and women have different ways of talking, the differences do not release either of us from learning how to communicate better. Both men and women need to develop a communication pattern that encourages each other, focuses on service, and emphasizes the importance of the other person in the relationship.

Four Activities of Communication

What is necessary for communication to take place? Walter Wangerin in his book, As for Me and My House says that there are four separate activities needed for communication. First, one partner talks, while the other partner listens. Then, the second partner talks while the first partner listens. This sounds simple, but it isn’t. One study found that couples tend to mirror each other in terms of how they relate to each other. When one spouse insults, swears, or shouts, the other is likely to engage in the same behavior. The author of your book writes about assertiveness and active listening. In assertiveness we ask our partner for what we want—directly and succinctly. Active listening means hearing not just the words but the message with the words. To truly listen means we suspend judgment about what we are hearing.

The Complexity of Communication

Communication is an extremely complex. We are not good at speaking directly. Some speak in mixed messages. A mixed message is to say one thing but mean another. Majority of communication is nonverbal. A mixed message is the discrepancy between verbal and nonverbal. A person says, “I love you” but those words are followed with ignoring the person, speaking in harsh ways, and giving the general attitude “I don’t want you around right now.” Some speak in double bind messages. These are the messages which when expressed leaves someone in a no win situation. In marriage a double message looks like this. “What’s wrong dear?” “Nothing.” Or “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.” It is estimated that 80% of our communication is nonverbal—the gestures, eye contact, body posture, tone, and rapidity of speech.

Practicing Listening

Let’s practice listening. Let’s pretend it is the end of the day and you are greeted by your spouse. “How was your day?” you ask and your spouse says “Fine.” with a deep sigh. What is being communicated? Let’s try another scenario. It’s the end of the day and you are catching up on what happened during the day and the husband is talking. He is telling something about a coworker and an incident at work when his wife interrupts him and says, “Before I forget, your mother called just right before you came in and wants to talk to you about the family reunion. She said that Aunt Sally and Uncle Joe will be there as well as some of the cousins you haven’t seen in a while. She wants me to bring a cake and some kind of congealed salad. You know it will be great to see all your family again…” What is the message?

Trust: The Real Problem

So if communication is a symptom, then what is the problem? Lack of trust. Why do we speak in hints and innuendos? Because we don’t trust our partner to receive our messages well. We are afraid that what we have to say will hurt the other person or worse hurt the relationship. That means we don’t trust our spouse. John Gottman proposes that it is the lack of trust and the absence of friendship. Let’s briefly look at assertiveness. Some people refrain from saying what they think because they are afraid of hurting the other person. So what do people do when they are afraid of saying the wrong thing? (Say nothing or hint around) What happens if we hint around long enough and the partner doesn’t get the hints? (Anger, frustration, bitterness, volcanic eruptions) Sometimes assertiveness is thought to give permission to be critical and ugly. Assertiveness is saying what you want as clearly as possible so that your partner doesn’t have to guess about the message. An example of hinting. I will work on this with couples. I will ask them to say what they would like the other person to do more of. E.g. “I would like for you to wash the dishes more.” The other person hears the words but may not hear the intent beneath the words. What do you think the intent is?

Building and Restoring Trust

So how do we restore trust? Or maybe we just have to start with how to do we build it? Let’s define it first. How would you define trust? Is it earned or given? Which comes first—giving trust or waiting for a person to prove they have earned it? How many of you go to a restaurant and ask to meet the cook first? Or go to kitchen and watch the cook your food? How many of you fly on a plane and ask to meet the pilot? Or ask to see the last mechanical inspection? Or the credentials of all that are in charge of the plane? In those cases is not trust given first? What happens if you don’t give trust first? Doesn’t the other person see your hesitation? Will they not feel as if they are being kept at arm’s length? I understand that trust can be broken and it is difficult to restore (forgiveness later). If your spouse has provided you with reasons not to trust them, then no wonder your communication is lacking. What is worse is that your spouse has given you no reason to mistrust and yet you do. What is that about?

Past Hurt and Present Vulnerability

Maybe what you have to admit is that you have been hurt in the past and you are allowing that hurt to influence and distort how you look at your spouse. Maybe the problem then is not about the lack of communication but your inability to trust your spouse. To be vulnerable and what is needed is for one of you to be courageous enough to admit the truth to yourself and then to say it out loud to your spouse. Instead, what too many couples demand is that they treat the symptom rather than the infection. And it works for a short period of time but it never lasts long. You have to cross the line first. We Bought a Zoo (You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.). Men lead the way.

Tips for Good Communication

Develop interests in each other’s favorite topics of conversation. Most people have an area or two that turns on the conversation button. Find it and use it.

Balance the conversation. Do not monopolize the conversation or excuse the excessive talk by saying “he/she never talks.” Don’t blame your spouse for your excessive talking. Women talk a lot in order to share emotions.

Use conversation to inform, investigate, and understand your spouse. Inform about activities and other things that are personal. Investigate feelings and attitudes without trying to change the other person. Try to understand motives and expect the best of your partner. One cannot not communicate.

Give undivided attention. This means turn off the TV. This means sitting down instead of doing chores. Harley recommends 15 hours per week together without children, TV, interruption or failure.

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